Say What?

These last few days have been really hard. I can't quite pin point why, but all I feel is this wicked anxiety. It isn't quite like I'm missing something, but it is more that I've been trying to hold onto this happy facade for everyone else when all I really want is for someone to just tell me it's all going to be okay and listen to me vent. Basically, I feel as if I can't quite find my center. Can it be that my zen is off balance?

I tried venting yesterday in a blog. The only downside is that I was in the middle of my fuming and felt that what I was writing was not really what I wanted to say and would have been extremely hurtful to those who read it. Which wasn't what I wanted anyway.

So today, I started out the same way. Frustrated, anxious, lonely and the only person I really wanted to talk to and that I thought would understand me had just gone to bed after getting off working the nightshift. I fussed a bit. Trying to find my path on my own and failing.

Since I hadn't yet gotten ahold of my advisor from school, I finally went and stormed his office. Not sure I found the exact answers I was looking for, but not a terrible start. Then I wanted to find more pieces to add to my growing tea fetish. I'm not sure if you've heard, but tea is amazing. More on this later.

I ended up at the Target store trying to decide if I really was just wasting time, or trying to actually focus my anxiety. One thing I will admit to liking is the sales and clearance racks in the clothing department here. There is always at least one thing that I really like and that is on sale enough to justify buying it. From there, I started perusing the scrapbooking aisle. There is so much there to look at. Granted, when I look at scrapbooking supplies, I really analyze it and what I could make of it... which makes this process take longer. But I finally realized, that I had to leave the store at some point and make my way back to the apartment.

I also need to mention that lately I've been hearing lots of rumors from FPCV's (Future Peace Corps Volunteers) about their departure dates being moved. See, my understanding with the Peace Corps is that it is all about patience and flexibility. So far, I've let all the rumors fly past on the assumption that when I need to know, they'll tell me.

And then I gave in. I had to. I broke my patience and called. The answer? Yes, my group has been postponed until January. The only reason for this that they would tell me is that they are re-organizing the program I'll be a part of and they want to finalize everything in it before they send us out. Makes sense and now I have my answers.

The question then was, did this make me feel better at all?

You'd think so. I know that I'll be able to spend more time with my friends and family. I'll get to spend one last holiday season with everyone before I go. I'll have a chance to make some money to help with bills, and yeah, I'm glad to know it's not just a rumor anymore.

So I called to tell some people and definitely didn't get the reaction I was thinking I would. It's hard to be excited when no one else seems to be. For the record, I didn't join the Peace Corps because of its danger or because I was trying to "one up" someone else in their life accomplishments. I joined because I truly believe I have the skills that when shared with others, will benefit them and their communities. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world.

What I really want to know is why doesn't she just tell me that she hates my life choices. Why not just say it to my face? Don't pretend. It isn't worth it. Don't cover up animosity with destructive criticism. Don't mask pure disgust with questions and guilt. I'll admit it hurts, but I don't need negative support. I have plenty of people who stand behind me and believe I've made good choices. I have plenty of people who are proud of me.

So instead of being excited at the news, I'm angry because of the negativity of the whole conversation. At this point, I thought that no matter what, my day was gonna keep being terrible. But it didn't. Although I didn't want to be alone, I spent the afternoon sulking.

The perk of the day came when the opportunity to go out to a movie came. I'd been wanting to see 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2' for awhile and finally went tonight. I'm not sure what about it made my mood switch, but it did. And for now, all is well.

Ok, so this isn't my typical blog. I don't normally go through a detailed schedule of my day, but it just seemed to fit today. Maybe next time I'll swoon over tea.

Mmm, tea.