Africa: Take 2

Back in November, I'd gotten word from the Peace Corps Placement Office, that although I had recognizable skills, I just didn't have the experience they were looking for. My understanding is this had something to do with funding, or lack thereof.

I guess I'd kind of resigned my thoughts to the point that it just wasn't in the cards for me right now. I went to the side of it that I'll have plenty of time and the Peace Corps might be something I can do later in life.

Then, to my surprise, a woman from church sent out a letter detailing what she wants to do for her next mission. See, she has gone a few times to a village in Kenya to work with women and children that have been orphaned, abused, and homeless. She has helped with many other projects from creating jobs for women, find educators for productive farming, and matched American sponsors to orphaned children. There is so much more than that, but those are just a few.

When I first moved back to Wisconsin, I was using the church's wireless to hang out on my laptop, and while I was there, this lady came in looking for help. She needed to create a powerpoint presentation about these African missions, but didn't know how. Seeing that I had all the time in the world, I said I'd help her out.

Now she thinks that I'm completely computer talented and wants me to go to Africa with her to help with the administration and technical aspects that this expanding project needs. I must say, I think she's got more confidence in my computer capabilities than I deserve. Apparently, I come across to everyone as a techie, but they are totally wrong. If my computer doesn't work, I fuss and whine, and ask my Love to fix it. Granted, I guess I can fix most things on my own, but yeah... We'll see.

The other thing is that she wants to get a book/calendar published using writings from someone that's been there and using photos taken by volunteers. I took a picture when Love and I went to Colorado that countless people have loved and at an auction for the church it sold for upwards of $70. Knowing that, she wants me to be the photographer. So, not only would I get to go to Africa, but I would be PUBLISHED! For some reason, I can't find a single bad thing about that. Haha.

So here are the negatives:

1. This trip would cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $2500 dollars or more.
2. It would take place shortly after Love and I get married.
3. Love WOULD be able to go with me, BUT he's going back to school, has his full time job, and since we'll have taken time off for the wedding, he might not have time off to go to Africa
4. I might not be able to get time off, depending on the job I get.

The pros:

1. Mission to Africa. (Nuf' said)
2. Create an administration program. (Can we all scream EXPERIENCE!)
3. Having writings and photos published for distribution. (Wicked exciting)
4. Strong probability for fundraising to knock down costs. (Isn't there some sort of tax deduction for mission work overseas?)
5. One hell of a honeymoon story to tell our grandkids. "Yeah, we skipped out on the private Caribbean island to volunteer our time and talents to women and children from a war-torn country."

I'm sure there are way more for both the pro and con list, but I just wanted to throw this out there. I'm hoping God will provide some answers. This is a second opportunity to go to Africa and one that would allow my Love to go too, and if it still isn't right, I'll believe him, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

On a different note, I have really gotten into quilting. I've made a baby blanket and pillow for a certain Baby B that we're all excited for, a piano music bag for my sister for her birthday, a decorative pillow for my Mom-in-Law (future), and have started a bed quilt to give to my Love as a wedding present. I have my crafty days.

P.S. I'm really hoping Africa works out in some way.

Pickles Are Cucumbers Soaked In Evil

I had a lot to say for that last entry, but skipped most of it because it would have been too long. Now I don't care. It's going to be long.

I think it is often hard for people to focus on the good things in their life when they have lots of things weighing on their minds. It is easy to focus on current concerns. That's how I work too. It's really easy for me to focus on all the things that I feel are going wrong in my world. It's really easy for me to feel stressed and overwhelmed by the dozens of strings that I feel are pulling me around like a marionette. As if it isn't even my life I'm living, just a twisted, tangled version of some playwright's script. The vignettes today day find me in places that I'm not sure how to sort out.

Growing up, I wanted to believe that I'd find "the One" while I was in college. "The One" and I would date and be married in college, start our lives together with our graduations and work together. Isn't this some psychotic new generation image of the perfect 1950's woman? Instead of gushing over my new fangled washer and dryer, I was dreaming of a career. Instead of taking classes on etiquette and housekeeping, my classes consisted of the modern military and group interaction.

Since I obviously didn't get married WHILE I was in school, I guess I'd resigned myself to believe that I'd be one of those career driven women and throw myself into singledom by pretending I didn't care and made every effort to get away from it all.

And then my eyes opened. Or maybe it was just the electricity of the night that made me realize how wonderful he was. This guy that had been in my life for years. This guy that had respectfully and patiently listened to me through everything over the years. Now it just seemed right. We've often talked and teased each other about why we didn't start dating earlier. We've come to the conclusion that WE as a couple wouldn't have worked without the growing and learning we had to do as individuals. We just weren't ready.

So here we are. Together, in the dating sense. We are so far apart from each other, it makes me want to cry. He's two states away and although we text each other about 10 times a minute and call each other all the time, it's just not the same. I get to see him in 182 hours and 5 minutes and I can't wait! Go ahead and make fun of me for counting, but he's my best friend. I can't help it.

So here I get to the point of this. We're planning a wedding. Or trying. We have some of the most awkward family dynamics that I've ever heard of and it's stressful. I'm not saying that I'm assuming every wedding has been perfect and that everything fell together like a well designed puzzle, but this is just too much.

My Love told me a two weeks ago that he thought I was thinking too much about the wedding. What I want to know, is who doesn't think about their wedding? While I know that it is 27 weeks and 4 days away, I can't take care of everything now. Yet, if I want things at the wedding, I need to be able to have the opportunity to decide on them. We're trying to keep the cost fairly reasonable too, so of course I'm going to come up with lots of options and then sit down to figure out which costs more or what I'm willing to take away. *Scoff* Thinking too much about the wedding...

The other part about this, and this is the part that is irking me the most tonight, is how my decisions on wedding things seem to not be the "right" ones. I also had every intention of not ranting about specific people, but this one is hard to do.

My family lives under the belief that no matter what, your siblings are going to be a part of your wedding. I can't help it that my sister and I have NEVER gotten along. My entirely life consisted of moments when I was supposed to "play nice", be the "better person", or "go along" with things I didn't want because she reacts differently to things. I'd go to school at o-dark thirty in the morning and sleep in the hallways because she didn't like the people who had lockers next to hers. When report cards came, we had a "You Are Special Today" plate that we'd use at dinner, and she'd always pout through the times that I got it. She never came to any of my concerts, art shows, or sporting events. She didn't even come to my graduation. She also moved away a number of years ago and only calls when she needs something or when she knows it's her birthday or Christmas and people should be buying her things.

So here we are, at present times, with me planning a wedding. I can't help it that I wanted my best friends to be there with me. I would pick my bestest best friend for a bridesmaid if I could, but he's already in the wedding... As the groom. So, I picked my next three friends that I share everything with. So where does that leave my sister? Not as a bridesmaid. I know that sounds harsh, but maybe in my opinion, Ms. Manners can eat it. Etiquette be damned.

When I called my sister to tell her that we set a date and to "Mark the Calendar! I'm getting MARRIED!!", her response was, "Oh. Okay. We'll have to see. I might have to work that day." I'm not sure if you remember, but the wedding is MONTHS away. I'm sure a little planning and a boss would be understanding. But that is also her very convenient excuse to duck out of anything family related. At Christmas they visited, but didn't give a day they'd leave. Then, when free laundry was done, they were like, "Well, he might have to work tomorrow. Bye." Right. I'm pretty sure no one can live without their pizza delivery boy.

So, in an effort to make peace and fewer, smaller waves, I asked her to be a part of the wedding in a different way. I need help with some of the organizing and with hair, makeup, etc. I asked her to be an attendant. Apparently, that job means "the-bride-feels-guilty-and-made-up-a-job-so-that-I-can't-actually-cry-but-I-can-sulk-and-pout-about-not-being-in-the-wedding". News to me.

I tried talking to her again today. Two words: Epic Fail. The answer was, "I'll think about it, but I might not even come." Fuck you. If you don't want to be a part of the wedding, than just say it. If you don't want to be there, then just don't come and DON'T pout. Grow up and realize that this isn't your wedding.

That's my rant on that one. Is this blog long enough? I didn't get a chance to talk about jobs, houses, money, quilting, baking, Grandmas, and everything else on my mind. Oh, well.

Next time.

What Is With This Irrational Fear?

On New Years' this year, I fell down a flight of stairs. Hard. Not only did I totally wipe out, but all of the things I was holding - the 5 wedding magazines tucked under my arm, the pile of laundry balanced on a hand as if it was a platter of drinks, my phone up to my ear held on by my shoulder, and my bag that I carry basically everything in back and forth to work - flew down the stairs with me. I landed on my back against the edge of the stairs and with my legs twisted beneath me. I was fine.... kind of. I couldn't move for about 20 long minutes and then I couldn't stand up, walk, or lay down because of the pain in my back. I wasn't sure what I did, but I knew it wasn't good. Then two days later, I was feeling even more sore when I leaned down to pick up something I'd foolishly dropped. As I did, everything popped back into place. It felt amazing.

So the point of the story? I now fear that every time I go down a flight of stairs, I'm going to fall. I panic, then grab the railing, and then slowly descend. Why? Because I fell? Isn't there a lesson somewhere that says that if you fall, you must get back up? Show the world that you are capable of standing up again? Apparently I'm scared. I can't even go down the stairs anymore.

Remember when you were little and you had zero fears? I once jumped off a roof when I was little because my friend's sister was in cheerleading and said she knew how to catch me. About 8 years later, I climbed up on a roof to help with Christmas lights and once my irrational fears struck me, I got stuck on the roof for hours.

Another example? I loved winter sports. Particularly sledding. I remember when Dad would build an ice chute in the yard so that we could luge through the yard. Then one year, I was sledding and in an effort to stop, I leaned out of the sled. An ice sheet caught my hand and I couldn't feel anything but shooting pain in my wrist for days. I thought I'd broken about 12 bones in my hand. Now I don't go sledding. Down hill skiing scares the crap out of me. Just thinking about it makes my wrist hurt again.

So where does this put me? Will I ever get over some of these silly fears? Will I ever be able to jump down a flight of stairs again? Fall openly and wholeheartedly?

I think that's a yes. Why? Because I've totally fallen for my best friend. He knows this. Or he should; we're getting married. :D I also know that he's one of the most compassionate, caring, loving, and capable people God could have ever put in my life. He makes me smile and my heart flutter. I think it's called being twitterpated.

I'll have more to update later. Now, it's time for bed.

8 Christmases Later

I'm tired. And drained.

I kind of feel like I've got nothing left to give anyone. No love, no happiness. Not even anger or disappointment. Just apathy.

I loved my holiday season. I got to see nearly 98% of my family. That is a stunningly large percent considering everyone was traveling. Usually, it is much lower than that.

I can appreciate the holiday season. It is supposed to be a time of rebirth. Of growth. Of love and forgiveness. Of sharing and hospitality. Of pure open-hearted joy. Of peace and relaxation. It is a time that you can set aside almost everything in your life and try to look at your life from the outside in and appreciate, acknowledge, and affirm what your life is.

Not every holiday season is going to be the best. They aren't planned out to be the bigger and better gala event than last year's. As we grow and change, so does our understanding and ability to see the simplicity that the holiday season is supposed to hold. We worry about money and if our gifts are going to be good enough. We worry about family and making everyone happy. We learn to fret over making it the best. Where did the appreciation for the simple get lost?

I think one of my New Year's resolutions is going to make my life more simple. Revert to the more basic. I'm all for quality, but quantity is what I'm going to change. I'm going to get rid of the "junk" in my life.

Switch.

Here's my rant. I'm slowly starting to sort things out, but it is taking way too much time and for everyone that knows me, you know that my mind can move about a million times faster than the things that function in the real world. It would be fantastic to sit down for one hour and plan something, complete from start to finish. The problem? I usually do it late at night and I can't do anything about it. And when I finally can do something about it, it doesn't go as fast or as good as assumed or promised.

I want to move down to be with my future husband. Cool beans, right? Future husband. I love the sound of that. And of course there are things that make it difficult. I want so much to be there with him, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to work the way things currently sit. His bachelor's pad is perfect for him and the bird, but it isn't a space meant for two. As much as I love him, we need to both be able to move around. Humans take up space. Here's to my resolution again. Get rid of the junk. But I still don't think that is going to help much.

The kicker of my rant though is right here. I hate living in two places at once. I hate not being able to unpack. For example. My laptop has wireless which works at his place, and all of my friends' places. There's dial-up at home, which works there because we don't use the internet a lot there. But for job hunting online (seeing that I'm two states away and can't apply in person), it sucks because all my resumes and personal documents are on my laptop (WHICH DOESN'T WORK AT HOME BECAUSE THERE'S NO WIRELESS) and all my job hunting is done on a different computer. So when I actually find one that I like and want to apply for. Guess what? I can't. I don't and can't put documents on this computer.

It's one great big circle of non-functional crap. Yay for me.

That's it. Peace. Joy. Goodwill toward all. And remember to always wear your seatbelt.

8 Months To Go!

In case I forgot when my wedding was, theknot.com just sent me a reminder email. Just checking to make sure you haven't forgotten it...

It hadn't really occured to me how soon this wedding is. I mean, in my head, it seems like a lifetime away. That I'll get around to planning things when it gets closer. I'm just brainstorming, right? I don't have to make any decisions.... right?

Luckily, things are fitting together like a Sudoku puzzle. It's a little complicated at first and it takes a little staring at, but once you get 4 or so numbers in, then BLAM! It all comes to you and you've got it figured out. Weddings seem to be about the same. Just look at it for awhile in your head and soon enough, all the pieces will fall perfectly together and be just want you invisioned. That makes me happy. I'm sure that other people aren't as lucky, or that even people in my own family are thinking my ideas are too unique and far-fetched, but really? Who's wedding is this anyway? As long as my future husband and I are happy, I don't know that it really matters.

So what do we have picked out? The suits, the dresses, the gifts, the colors, the date, the place (which includes food and drinks), and a myriad of other little things. I like it. A lot!

Other than that. I don't have much new news. I seem to never be able to stay in the same place for more than a couple weeks. I'm heading all over the midwest again for the holiday season. Yay for family!

In case I don't get back to the blog before the holidays,

Have A Great And Wonderful Season My Friends!

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know

Here is the list of updates:

1. The Peace Corps idea fell through. I got a call some odd number of weeks ago and basically they only thing they had to tell me was that they just aren't getting the funding they thought they would have and although I have recognizable skills, I'm just not experienced enough. They apparently want people who are more trained than I am so they don't have to spend that extra money. You know? I kinda saw it coming, but I have to admit that I was definitely a little more than disheartened. It's one thing to tell your self it might not work and set guidelines as to when to pull my application. It's completely different when they call and tell you it's over.

2. Because of the Peace Corps, I'm living at home. And fighting the other 533,000 Americans for jobs. Boo.

3. I'm ENGAGED! That's right. You heard me. ENGAGED! The love of my life, my soulmate, my dreamer, asked me to marry him. And of course I said "YES!" Ok, so there was some excited tears and lots of hugging, but I said yes and so here I sit. ENGAGED! This actually happened the Monday before Thanksgiving, but for some reason, my blogging capabilities have been lacking. My apologies.

4. Wedding planning is way fun! I'm having lots of fun getting ideas and things. I like trying on dresses, picking out colors, etc. I just kinda wish that those who say it's my wedding and therefore is only up to me and my groom to make decisions, could take their own advice. Everyone... and I seriously mean EVERYONE comes up with ideas to give you about your wedding and then just after they hound you for about 20 minutes on what you "should" do, they tell you, "... but it doesn't matter what you do, it's your wedding. I just think this is something that would be a good idea for you." Right. And how is it that EVERYONE says that? Don't they remember getting married and having the same problem? So why pay a bad tradition forward?

That may be my update for tonight. That supposably covers the last 4-7 weeks or more of my life. I know, blamed boring. I get stuff.

Enjoy!

In Need Of A Nice Padded Room

In my extended hiatus on blogging, I still have no answers. Things are really mixed up right now and I haven't been able to figure it out. No updates from the Peace Corps... which means I've given myself a deadline of when to bail out. I don't want to give up on it, but I'm nearing that point because it's hard to trust that with the lack of communication I have now when I have all the ammenities of modern living that it will be any better when I need to train my own carrier pigeon. It's rough, but I'm at peace with it. Instead I'm waiting, albeit impatiently, to find out if I have any interviews with places I've applied down in Des Moines. No news. Just waiting. And I'm finding myself to be with a very prominent lack of enthusiasm and motivation right now. It'll work out. I just need time.