It's A Rendition That Will Peel The Enamel From Your Teeth

I've been thinking of things to write lately, but I'm coming up with not much of anything.



Just a few updates though...



I had my consult with my doctor. As much as I felt that I didn't have much to worry about, I was starting to get nervous. When they called to schedule my consult, the nurse just said, "We need to discuss your test results." And when I asked why, if they were all negative, then WHOO HOO! Her response was, "I'm sorry ma'am. We really need you to come into the office." That was the sobering moment for me. For some reason, all the effort I'd put into not thinking about any results came crashing down and that was all I could think about. It was so hard because I still have so many different directions I'm trying to layer in my mind; keeping everything sorted out while trying to retain basic information only. But the worry was for naught. Everything that they 'thought' was abnormal was actually a mistake. I'm not only not scared anymore, but I'm not sick either. Yay for real tests and second opinions.

I'm not sure if anyone reading this is going to understand this, except those from Iowa. RAGBRAI is this week. I've never really been involved in it. RAGBRAI is a huge bicycle event across Iowa; from one side to the other in its entirety. It is the first time it's been in Ames since I've lived in Iowa, so I've gotten to see more of it than I ever have before. Makes me want to try it. So my new pact to myself is that I'm going to work on my bike skills while I'm in Africa and I'll do the whole RAGBRAI event when I come back. Oh yeah, this year the route is 471 miles long.

The only other vent I have is for the kid that I work with. He's grating on my very last nerve. If I wanted to babysit this summer, I would have applied for a job in child rearing. I didn't. This would leave me to believe that I DIDN'T WANT A BABYSITTING JOB. At least not as my primary function. I've thought about volunteering my time for a few different couples that I know who have kids. We'll see though. I think I'm going to get my fair share of kids this fall when I'm teaching classes.

I'll be done for now. Short. Sweet. Time-waster for 5 minutes.

Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing!

Ever heard that dinging alarm when you've far beyond exhausted the fuel in your vehicle, but you just have to keep on going? Long after the little light comes on and usually right when you really are too busy to get to the gas station, the little bells start going off and the dash lights up warning you that you REALLY need to get gas in your car. It's the alarm that says, "You've pushed this damn vehicle too far! Now FIX IT!"

This seems to be the perfect analogy for my life. I've been running on no sleep, no food, and have everywhere in the world to be. I have more responsibilities and obligations than I think I've ever had to juggle before. And just when I'm about to try to balance myself out and refuel, the little light goes off and I've realized that I've forgotten something increadibly important.

Now, I pride myself on my ability to stay fairly cool under pressure and problem-solve like no other. But, I haven't had time to do anything other than run around for the past month. If I'm not in my car, I'm in my fields. If I'm not in the fields, I'm in class. If I'm not in class, I'm frantically scrambling to get there. If I could clone myself, I would. I'd make sure that I'd be able to dedicate a clone to each aspect that tugs on my heartstrings and requires my attention.

I did get a call this morning saying my test results from the doctor are in. I guess I'll just have to go back and have a little chat with him before I send out my final Peace Corps paperwork. I potentially could officially know where I'm going in a few short weeks.

Though... When I say that, I realize that it is bittersweet. I really am set up to leave my current location to travel on to the next. I've never stayed in one place very long. I don't think I'm meant to. I must have nomad's blood. I'm leaving behind some great experiences and some terrible experiences, some great people and some people I'm relieved to be away from. Yet, I love the adventure. Yep, bittersweet.

I could go on forever, but until I get my act together, I really don't have much time to blog. No worries, I'll be back...


To be continued...

Que Hora Es?

So, it's about the time that I have to start thinking about moving. To think about getting everything all boxed up, pack away the memories, and ship them off to a closet 300 miles away. It is hard to suddenly think about because I want so much to leave, yet, I don't. So many things have happened here, over the years and even recently and I just want to string along happiness wherever I find it. I want those around me to be happy. And I really don't want to hurt anyone. I keep saying that, but I seem to have almost given up on it. I have to finally face reality and know that I will hurt people. By making the decisions I have in my own life, I had to choose between a lot of things. One of my biggest fears, aside from airports, is of being forgotten. I really don't want to be forgotten. I know that the world keeps on going. We get so busy with so many things that we can't even begin to focus on everything and everyone , but I don't want to be one of the ones that people think, "Oh, it's been forever since anyone has seen her, she must have fallen off the face of the earth."

Nope. I definitely don't want that.

All The Pretty Little Thoughts

This is going to be one of those very long and tedious venting blogs. A lot has happened since the last blog. Mainly because I was out of town and I had lots of time away from my normal environment to take an inner look at myself and what's around me.

First off I want to say that I went, and was in, one of the most spectacular weddings ever. It was for my best friend Robyn and her man, Ben. They've been together for many years and it has been a gift from God to watch them grow together over the years. They got married on Friday, the 27th, and it was just amazing. I felt so blessed to be such a part of their day. I even got to sign their marriage license (gotta make it official). The reception was also just as amazing and I have to admit that I loved it everytime someone came up and thanked me for being there for Robyn, for all the help and love, and everything that made it all wonderful. I can't quite take the credit for all of it because it was Robyn's day and her planning and everything, but still, it felt good.

The only sad moment that has lingered for me is the realization that I'm alone. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm at this point where I know it's a bad and almost stupid idea to want a real relationship. Why? Because I'm leaving. Not just leaving, but leaving soon. With the Peace Corps and even before it, I'm going to be leaving what I've called home for the past 4 years. This alone has started to sink in as a sad moment, but it all accumulates together. I really do want that happiness that I see others have. I want that silly happiness that is in the movies, however fake it is. But I'm stuck between knowing it's not gonna happen now, wanting it right now, and knowing it really wouldn't make sense, so I'm fighting it off. I don't want to. But I don't want to hurt anyone. Including myself. Wanting it would destroy this facade I think I've built up.

In the car on the way back home I was listening to a CD that I have (and will embarassingly admit that I avidly sing to). It is one of those songs that I'm not entirely sure on the meaning, but in a way it's morbidly uplifting. It talks about death and life and praying for good health, things like that, but this phrase stuck out today for some reason. It goes:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again.

I think the part about "love until you don't" is kind of sad, but at the same time, the rest of it is eerily true. You have to look inside yourself and love the things you are and in loving them, you have to share that love with others. You share, even if it is hard, or hurtful, because in the end, you just start all over again by looking at yourself and how you've grown from experiences. It is just a circle that never ends in a beautiful way.

The first part of it though is harder for me to interpret because for as much as the second part is so uplifting, the first part is almost a defeatist point of view. You're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't? I guess I've also always thought that you're as young as you let yourself be. You also love for eternity and you never stop trying. To just try until you can't seems to be a way of giving up on things that you really want. If you didn't want them in the first place, you wouldn't have tried for them at all. Right?

And laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh. This one is so right. Live to the point of tears. But maybe it should be changed to live to the point of tears and laughter. You know those moments where you laugh for so long or so hard that your stomach hurts, you can't control the tears, and you've lost every ounce of oxygen as you've started gasping for air? I love those. Those are what I live for; you laugh until you cry. And you cry until you laugh. At some point, the tears of sadness do stop. I think it's is first when you realize that you're crying for something that should be happy. Or maybe something that you know is completely irrational. When the laughter finally comes, it is the relief of knowing that there is an end to the tears. That life will continue.

I've been contemplating the way things are in my life lately and I really do like what I see. I feel that there is so much out there for me to touch and see and cry over. There are so many magnificent people and places in our world, I can hardly think of all of them without feeling the stinging of tears approaching because the are so great. I saw a video of a guy and it had him videotaping himself all over the world. Not only am I jealous, but all this thinking has made me think about making a list of all the places I must go.

London, England
Stonehenge, United Kingdom
Scottish Highlands, Scotland
Isle of Man
Wales
Dublin, Ireland
Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland
Seljalandsfoss, Iceland
Oslo, Norway
Tromso, Norway
Stockholm, Sweden
Copenhagen, Denmark
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Lisse, Netherlands
Brussels, Belgium
Paris, France
Normandy, France
French Riviera, France
Madrid, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Swiss Alps, Switzerland
Geneva, Switzerland
Vienna, Austria
Saltzburg, Austria
Florence, Italy
Rome, Italy
Venice, Italy
Munich, Germany
Cologne, Germany
Hamburg, Germany
Prague, Czech Republic
Warsaw, Poland
Dubrovnik, Croatia
Istanbul, Turkey
Athens, Greece
Santorini, Greece
ISRAEL AGAIN!
Wadi Rum, Jordan
Petra, Jordan
Sinai, Egypt
Cairo, Egypt
Alexandria, Egypt
Tripoli, Libya
Tunis, Tunisia
Fez, Morocco
Batik, Morocco
Casablanca, Morocco
Marakesh, Morocco
Windhoek, Namibia
Cape of Good Hope, South Africa
Chalechino, Zambia
Timbuktu, Mali
Lemur Island, Madagascar
Antseranana, Madagascar
The Falls, Malawi
Mt. Kilimanjaro
Serengeti, Tanzania
Muscat, Oman
Dubai, UAE



And that's the short list. There will be more added. Definitely. I just need to get some sleep. I guess I really do have a lot on my mind. I keep thinking about things that I don't need to think about and it is getting me all sorts of confused. Sad day.

Just remember to breathe; until you don't.

Rest In Peace My Friend

Ok, I know I said it last time, but it has officially been too long since the last time I wrote. I keep thinking of things to say; things that I want to log and remember. And then I'm either too tired or too busy to put them down. Thus continues the chaotic life. So here's my quick list of the last few events:

1. A co-worker died in the field. This is incredibly sad to me because she is such a wonderful person. I think that I could start on about her, but I'll just leave it that she has such a beautiful soul. Although I don't think I'll ever really know what happened, I hope that there was no pain. Rest in peace my friend.

2. I went to the College World Series. I'm not sure that it was the absolute best event of my life, but it was definitely enjoyable. We battled the wind and rain to watch a pretty good game between UNC and Fresno State. If you know what game I'm talkin about, then you know how it went.

3. I got all my dental work approved for the Peace Corps. Now I just have to graduate and get my medical in. Putsy stuff. I hope it goes fast.

4. I'm actually doing well in school. I don't know that I ever thought this day would come, but I think it has to do with the fact that I focus more in the summer. It must be the weather. I love being outside.

5. School's almost done. Officially. Yay. One class down, three more to finish. I'm on a roll!

6. I have the sweetest tan I think I've ever had. Well... Borderline on the ones I used to get when I was 6 because we lived in the Southern States. A side bonus to the fact that I work outside ALL day EVERY day. I think it's funny when people are like, "Yeah, I spent some time outside today, it was so nice out," when all they really did was sit out in the sun until it got too hot. I, on the other hand, step outside at 6:45am and don't go inside until I make it back to my apartment to shower at 3:45pm. Spending all that time outside keeps me busy, and really really tired. Another reason why the blogs have slowed.

7. I actually have a "seven" on this list. It is kinda taboo and more than a little scary. Has a lot to do with a lot of the recent blogs that I've posted, but I don't even know how to talk about it. I've discovered that some people just aren't very good at listening to me, but oh well. I'm workin on that one. I'm also halfway between wanting to show that I do genuinely care for someone and scared shitless because I really do suck at commitment. Why is this so hard?

Oof. I think that is it for now. I have to work on a few projects. The work is never over.

If You Backpedal Any Faster You'll Moonwalk Right Through That Wall

So, it seems like it has been forever since I've written. I think that's do to the ridiculous schedule I've been trying to maintain. I'm not sure how much longer I can pull it off, but thankfully, it will all change next week.

Now. To the matter at hand. I was walking around my field today (in the mud) and I had more than a few thoughts that I wanted to get out. Here's my list:

1. Scooping the slop in the field looked like I was scooping a really runny brownie mix. I'm not sure where that thought came from, but I think it had to do with the fact that I unearthed an underground river and everything was like a thick soup.

2. I've made a list of all the characteristics I want. I won't elaborate, but it came after I've realized that I've made a slightly awkward connection to one of the students in my class. We don't really talk, but everywhere I turn, he's there. Waving at me. I have yet to figure that one out, but I have to admit, I like his story. He's cool in my book.

3. The order of my life is as follows: Summer for work and school (2 more months), Wisconsin for after work and school (3 months), Africa for the Peace Corps (27 months), Norway, Sweden and England for grad school (24 months), and from there, maybe Germany or Switzerland. The grad school thing is optional. I have two very good ideas for that. Either Creighton in Omaha for Conflict Resolution and maybe a law degree in Child Advocacy or Norway for Human Rights. Both would be really up my alley. I guess the third option for that is law school at the U of M. We'll see.

4. I thought there was a four. But I can't think of it right now. I'll make a mental note to remember and will come back for more.

Lost

I had a dream that I found you.