This is going to be one of those very long and tedious venting blogs. A lot has happened since the last blog. Mainly because I was out of town and I had lots of time away from my normal environment to take an inner look at myself and what's around me.
First off I want to say that I went, and was in, one of the most spectacular weddings ever. It was for my best friend Robyn and her man, Ben. They've been together for many years and it has been a gift from God to watch them grow together over the years. They got married on Friday, the 27th, and it was just amazing. I felt so blessed to be such a part of their day. I even got to sign their marriage license (gotta make it official). The reception was also just as amazing and I have to admit that I loved it everytime someone came up and thanked me for being there for Robyn, for all the help and love, and everything that made it all wonderful. I can't quite take the credit for all of it because it was Robyn's day and her planning and everything, but still, it felt good.
The only sad moment that has lingered for me is the realization that I'm alone. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm at this point where I know it's a bad and almost stupid idea to want a real relationship. Why? Because I'm leaving. Not just leaving, but leaving soon. With the Peace Corps and even before it, I'm going to be leaving what I've called home for the past 4 years. This alone has started to sink in as a sad moment, but it all accumulates together. I really do want that happiness that I see others have. I want that silly happiness that is in the movies, however fake it is. But I'm stuck between knowing it's not gonna happen now, wanting it right now, and knowing it really wouldn't make sense, so I'm fighting it off. I don't want to. But I don't want to hurt anyone. Including myself. Wanting it would destroy this facade I think I've built up.
In the car on the way back home I was listening to a CD that I have (and will embarassingly admit that I avidly sing to). It is one of those songs that I'm not entirely sure on the meaning, but in a way it's morbidly uplifting. It talks about death and life and praying for good health, things like that, but this phrase stuck out today for some reason. It goes:
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again.
I think the part about "love until you don't" is kind of sad, but at the same time, the rest of it is eerily true. You have to look inside yourself and love the things you are and in loving them, you have to share that love with others. You share, even if it is hard, or hurtful, because in the end, you just start all over again by looking at yourself and how you've grown from experiences. It is just a circle that never ends in a beautiful way.
The first part of it though is harder for me to interpret because for as much as the second part is so uplifting, the first part is almost a defeatist point of view. You're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't? I guess I've also always thought that you're as young as you let yourself be. You also love for eternity and you never stop trying. To just try until you can't seems to be a way of giving up on things that you really want. If you didn't want them in the first place, you wouldn't have tried for them at all. Right?
And laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh. This one is so right. Live to the point of tears. But maybe it should be changed to live to the point of tears and laughter. You know those moments where you laugh for so long or so hard that your stomach hurts, you can't control the tears, and you've lost every ounce of oxygen as you've started gasping for air? I love those. Those are what I live for; you laugh until you cry. And you cry until you laugh. At some point, the tears of sadness do stop. I think it's is first when you realize that you're crying for something that should be happy. Or maybe something that you know is completely irrational. When the laughter finally comes, it is the relief of knowing that there is an end to the tears. That life will continue.
I've been contemplating the way things are in my life lately and I really do like what I see. I feel that there is so much out there for me to touch and see and cry over. There are so many magnificent people and places in our world, I can hardly think of all of them without feeling the stinging of tears approaching because the are so great. I saw a video of a guy and it had him videotaping himself all over the world. Not only am I jealous, but all this thinking has made me think about making a list of all the places I must go.
London, England
Stonehenge, United Kingdom
Scottish Highlands, Scotland
Isle of Man
Wales
Dublin, Ireland
Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland
Seljalandsfoss, Iceland
Oslo, Norway
Tromso, Norway
Stockholm, Sweden
Copenhagen, Denmark
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Lisse, Netherlands
Brussels, Belgium
Paris, France
Normandy, France
French Riviera, France
Madrid, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Swiss Alps, Switzerland
Geneva, Switzerland
Vienna, Austria
Saltzburg, Austria
Florence, Italy
Rome, Italy
Venice, Italy
Munich, Germany
Cologne, Germany
Hamburg, Germany
Prague, Czech Republic
Warsaw, Poland
Dubrovnik, Croatia
Istanbul, Turkey
Athens, Greece
Santorini, Greece
ISRAEL AGAIN!
Wadi Rum, Jordan
Petra, Jordan
Sinai, Egypt
Cairo, Egypt
Alexandria, Egypt
Tripoli, Libya
Tunis, Tunisia
Fez, Morocco
Batik, Morocco
Casablanca, Morocco
Marakesh, Morocco
Windhoek, Namibia
Cape of Good Hope, South Africa
Chalechino, Zambia
Timbuktu, Mali
Lemur Island, Madagascar
Antseranana, Madagascar
The Falls, Malawi
Mt. Kilimanjaro
Serengeti, Tanzania
Muscat, Oman
Dubai, UAE
And that's the short list. There will be more added. Definitely. I just need to get some sleep. I guess I really do have a lot on my mind. I keep thinking about things that I don't need to think about and it is getting me all sorts of confused. Sad day.
Just remember to breathe; until you don't.
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