Just Look

"We all live in hiding. In one way or another, we all conceal pieces of ourselves from the rest of the world. Some people hide because their lives depend on it. Others because they don't like being seen. And then there are the special cases; the ones that hide because they just want someone to care enough to look for them."

Seeing Blue

I dyed my hair blue today. :D And I love it! It's not entirely blue, but a really dark brown, almost black with blue undertones that really light up in the sunlight. See? I love it!





Moving on. Ok, so you know those times that you think that nothing will go right and then all of a sudden the storm passes and you have more than you can possibly handle? So much that the abundance of opportunities is just beyond control. One of my teachers said in class the other day that confidence is sexy and that if you exude confidence, you'll get anything you want. I've heard that before and especially pertaining to jobs and dating. I've also never doubted it, but never saw it work in my life. Apparently I didn't have that confidence yet. Now I do and have too much on my hands.

It also kind of sucks that I'm not great with intimacy. Following a string of horribly ending relationships, it is no surprise I suppose, but still, hurtful to everyone involved. It's not that I don't want a relationship, I think its more that I'm scared of hurting people; especially myself. I guess I see it that I will be leaving in 5 months and dating relationships are about being attached to each other intimately, which I'm not sure that I can accomplish right now. So much has happened lately that I'm almost scared for myself. Or of myself?

I do wish that I had answers. The adventure of experience I guess; never having answers given, but needing to be found. Such is life.

The Great Ambiguous Dichotomy

I'm trying to decide if I feel overwhelmed or just whelmed. Can I be just whelmed?

I work from early morning hours to noon, go to class for an hour, then go back to work. I go home, shower and eat, go to class. Come home, do homework, sleep and repeat. You'd think that this would be overbearing and stressful. So far it's not. Yet, I can't help feeling this emotion I can't quite describe. It's there, but not at the same time. My philandering philosophy professor said once that today's society is so fucked up that everyone assumes that they are either depressed, depressed and overly medicated on experimental drugs that make them pretend they are happy, or they assume that they must always be happy or there is something wrong with them and they pick one of the other options to wallow in self pity. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but how is it that now when I'm not "happy" and bouncing off the walls with joy that I think there is something else wrong with me? Somehow I managed to fit into the mold instead of going against the grain.

Sidenote of the evening: I miss talking to Jordan. I know he's out there somewhere. Last I knew, months ago, he was in Iraq. Now my emails get sent back to me "undeliverable" and there hasn't been one single word from him. I wonder where he went. I hope he's okay.

Dichotomy. I think that is a great way to describe my emotions. I want something and I don't. I'm happy and I'm not. I'm tired and I'm.... I'm.... Yeah. A little bit of everything.

Locks of Love

I thought it was about time to put up a picture or two. About a month and a half ago, I cut off about 11 inches of hair and donated it to Locks of Love. I think LoL sounds like an amazing program; providing hair treatments and wigs to children who have lost theirs due to disease. I told someone that that's why I cut my hair and they got all grossed out about it. Saying that wearing someone else's hair is gross and disgusting. I have to admit I was kind of hurt by that; I did it in good faith and with an open heart. I hope that whoever receives my hair does absolutely everything that they want to with their life. Difficult things happen to everyone, but it is the strength that you have in your soul and heart that will define how you see yourself. A little boost of encouragment never hurts either... ;)

Song of Life

I want to walk through this doorway
I want to open my mind.
I want to pledge my allegiance
To all I can find.
I want a car that will crash through the barrier
To a road no one knows.
I want to feel less controlled; more abandoned
I want to land far from home.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
Is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn
To journey and return,
To never rest til I've seen all I can see.

I want to learn a completely new language
One I don't understand.
I want to help some lost, someone helpless
With the strength of my hand.
I want to come to the base of a statue built
Before they counted years.
There I'll fall with my face in my hands
And cry; feel their hope in my tears.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
Is a perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn
To journey and return,
To never rest til I've seen all I can see.

Train rides and pastures colliding,
Colors and customs I've never seen.
I know I,
Yes I know I,
I know I
Will stumble, but
Time is precious my friends.

No other journey can
Easily understand
The more that I see,
The more that I love.

So, this I swear to you,
And this I swear to me.
I'll never rest til I've seen all I can see.

No, I'll never rest until I've seen all I can see.

I want to know where the strength of a person lies
In this their past or their future.

No, I'll never rest until I've seen all I can see.

Impending Doom Motivates Procrastination

I really don't know why or what I'm feeling. I have a mix of things starting with the inner conflict of knowing I should go to bed and the urge to stay up and read my homework and be a good student.

I'm also fighting the inner battle of being happy and sad. I want to be happy, but I'm not extremely happy about anything at this second. Just calm. So I'm neither happy or sad.

The thought-provoking concept for the night is as follows:

If you study psychology and short term memory (STM), you'll learn that the majority of people can only remember an average of 7 thoughts in their STM. Seven digits of a phone number ring any bells? Apparently anything shorter than that isn't memorable and anything more than that is too much to process. Thus, when writing professionally, you are supposed to write sentences with 11 words. Why 11? Because it's just the right length to make a sentence with meaningful words and contain just a few fillers. I think I write more than that. Or less. Haha. I guess I don't think in long, drawn out sentences. Maybe my attention span can't handle anything other than a short term thought....

Inspirational Philosophy

If winning makes people greedy, competative, and territorial, why do we love winning so much? Is it because the idea of being the best controls our minds and overbears over all other feelings and sets the bar so high that we fight for the best feeling of euphoria that a human can possibly enjoy. Or at least think we enjoy. Then, with continued wins, we realize that we are better than everyone else and the superiority complex overrides all possibilities of anyone else being great and makes us impervious to fault and doubt.


So, can losing set us free?