8 Months To Go!

In case I forgot when my wedding was, theknot.com just sent me a reminder email. Just checking to make sure you haven't forgotten it...

It hadn't really occured to me how soon this wedding is. I mean, in my head, it seems like a lifetime away. That I'll get around to planning things when it gets closer. I'm just brainstorming, right? I don't have to make any decisions.... right?

Luckily, things are fitting together like a Sudoku puzzle. It's a little complicated at first and it takes a little staring at, but once you get 4 or so numbers in, then BLAM! It all comes to you and you've got it figured out. Weddings seem to be about the same. Just look at it for awhile in your head and soon enough, all the pieces will fall perfectly together and be just want you invisioned. That makes me happy. I'm sure that other people aren't as lucky, or that even people in my own family are thinking my ideas are too unique and far-fetched, but really? Who's wedding is this anyway? As long as my future husband and I are happy, I don't know that it really matters.

So what do we have picked out? The suits, the dresses, the gifts, the colors, the date, the place (which includes food and drinks), and a myriad of other little things. I like it. A lot!

Other than that. I don't have much new news. I seem to never be able to stay in the same place for more than a couple weeks. I'm heading all over the midwest again for the holiday season. Yay for family!

In case I don't get back to the blog before the holidays,

Have A Great And Wonderful Season My Friends!

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know

Here is the list of updates:

1. The Peace Corps idea fell through. I got a call some odd number of weeks ago and basically they only thing they had to tell me was that they just aren't getting the funding they thought they would have and although I have recognizable skills, I'm just not experienced enough. They apparently want people who are more trained than I am so they don't have to spend that extra money. You know? I kinda saw it coming, but I have to admit that I was definitely a little more than disheartened. It's one thing to tell your self it might not work and set guidelines as to when to pull my application. It's completely different when they call and tell you it's over.

2. Because of the Peace Corps, I'm living at home. And fighting the other 533,000 Americans for jobs. Boo.

3. I'm ENGAGED! That's right. You heard me. ENGAGED! The love of my life, my soulmate, my dreamer, asked me to marry him. And of course I said "YES!" Ok, so there was some excited tears and lots of hugging, but I said yes and so here I sit. ENGAGED! This actually happened the Monday before Thanksgiving, but for some reason, my blogging capabilities have been lacking. My apologies.

4. Wedding planning is way fun! I'm having lots of fun getting ideas and things. I like trying on dresses, picking out colors, etc. I just kinda wish that those who say it's my wedding and therefore is only up to me and my groom to make decisions, could take their own advice. Everyone... and I seriously mean EVERYONE comes up with ideas to give you about your wedding and then just after they hound you for about 20 minutes on what you "should" do, they tell you, "... but it doesn't matter what you do, it's your wedding. I just think this is something that would be a good idea for you." Right. And how is it that EVERYONE says that? Don't they remember getting married and having the same problem? So why pay a bad tradition forward?

That may be my update for tonight. That supposably covers the last 4-7 weeks or more of my life. I know, blamed boring. I get stuff.

Enjoy!

In Need Of A Nice Padded Room

In my extended hiatus on blogging, I still have no answers. Things are really mixed up right now and I haven't been able to figure it out. No updates from the Peace Corps... which means I've given myself a deadline of when to bail out. I don't want to give up on it, but I'm nearing that point because it's hard to trust that with the lack of communication I have now when I have all the ammenities of modern living that it will be any better when I need to train my own carrier pigeon. It's rough, but I'm at peace with it. Instead I'm waiting, albeit impatiently, to find out if I have any interviews with places I've applied down in Des Moines. No news. Just waiting. And I'm finding myself to be with a very prominent lack of enthusiasm and motivation right now. It'll work out. I just need time.

Sweet Flowing Music Through My Soul

It's happened again. I had to say good-bye to my love. Shortly after my last blog, my wonderfully amazing boyfriend came to visit and we went on a surprise road trip to Northern Wisconsin to see some of his family. These visits keep getting shorter and shorter and further and further apart from each other. This really is harder than I thought it would be. So, yes, he left again. He had is "real" job to get back to. Haha. I'm kidding. I love that he's got something that he is passionate about and does whole-heartedly. He needs that.

But I'm going to miss him dearly.

And all of a sudden this week has included just as much travel as my month of September. Except not such far distances. We were in Eastern Minnesota on Tuesday, Northern Wisconsin on Wednesday, back to Central Wisconsin on Thursday. Then tomorrow it's to Southeast Wisconsin for a STATE MARCHING BAND CHAMPIONSHIP COMPETITION!! I'm really excited for that. Didn't know if you missed my enthusiasm. YAY!!

Yet, as I type this, I'm sad and listening to a song that everyone should hear at least once if not a thousand times in their life. I suggest everyone quick hit Youtube or iTunes and look for "River Flows In You" by Yiruma. My sister has been playing this on the piano and I'm in love with it. It is just the right balance of happy and sad. It's romantic. The story behind it is that it is also called "Bella's Lullaby". Bella as in the character in Stephanie Meyer's novels in the Twilight Series. It is talked about in almost every book in the series and is in the movie based on the first book that comes out in November. I had no intention of reading the book, but my sister talked me into it and although I'm well out of the intended target audience for the book, it is one that I loved.

And on my last note before I go lose in tennis with my best friend and her mom, I want to see if anyone knows if the street on Highway 8 in Wisconsin curiously named 24 3/8th Street is similar to Harry Potter's Platform 9 3/4. Do you suppose that if I'd have taken that street, I'd end up in a mythical world full of enchanting creatures and endless magic?

What Did You Say?!

I need to work on my writing consistency. Right? This last little hiatus is explained (or excused) by saying that by the time I get around to signing into my blog account, I've lost all my patience with the internet that moves the speed of government change. Even grass grows faster.

Anyway.

This last week I've had a few opportunites to work on my speaking skills. In high school, I used to love the competition public speaking club and activities. I loved talking to people. And as much as I did presentations for classes in college, it has never been the same.

Let's just say it's been awhile.

Starting with my volunteering to speak at a high school class on options available in college and after college, such as ROTC and the Peace Corps, it was very obvious that I hadn't done a presentation in a LONG time. Granted, I want to put it out there that I don't think this one went as well for a couple reasons. It's hard for me to talk about those topics with a bunch of high schoolers because I quit ROTC and the Peace Corps isn't an after high school option for them. The other thing is that I really had anticipated much more participation from them and that was quite lacking. Just practice for the Peace Corps I guess....

I was also asked to talk to one of the Bible Study classes at my church over the weekend. This one was maybe a little easier because I'm very involved with my topics. I hold them very near and dear to my heart. A week ago, one of the women in this bunch approached me and asked if I would be willing to talk about how I knew the PC was right for me. Their lesson that day had been on how God talks to us, but how it isn't is ways that are blatantly obvious.

I'm going to take a little detour here and talk about my faith. This is hard for me and I know that not everyone wants to read this sort of thing, but I have to say this is important for me, now that I know what to say.

I grew up in a household that made it seem that attending church was not an option. I must admit, I learned a lot, had lots of fun, and it really helped me become the compassionate person I feel that I am. But as soon as I was able to, I really felt I needed to become more aware of the other religions around me. I've never wanted to convert to anything else, but I just want to know about them. It goes into my belief that the reason there is so much discord in the world is because although everyone needs something to believe in, they are so focused on it that they refuse to see and learn about everyone else's. So when I left for college, it was left up to me to go to church and I no longer felt like it wasn't an option. It was MY choice.

Here's my secret. I didn't like the churches down there. I didn't like how they made me feel. I never felt inspired by them. I didn't feel like I was growing with them.

So of course it hurt my family when they would ask how church was and I would respond with, "I didn't go." But it gave me even more inspiration to learn even more about the world around me. I took classes on modern and traditional religious and world religions. I was so happy. It gave me a way to feel I was still advancing my education and beliefs at the same time. No, it wasn't church, but I felt okay with that.

Then I went through a phase that I was just content. I knew what I believed in and that was that. The hard part about it was when my family told me that I needed to not only believe it, but act upon it. They were worried that I'd given up on my faith. And you know what? I was almost tempted to let them believe that. Why couldn't they just be happy for me and all I'd learned? How hard is it to let me be with my faith and accept that the picture I've got in my eyes is different than the one in yours? Apparently, that was hard and WAY too much to ask for.

Maybe that was just it. I think I just answered my own question. The pictures and images in my head weren't theirs. Unique unto my own.

So how did I know the Peace Corps was where I belonged? It fit into my picture.

Now that I'm back at home, I've taken up teaching Sunday School. It's got its difficulties, but really. I'm happy with it. So when this woman approached me to talk at her Bible Study too, I jumped at the chance, hoping I could explain myself. I also took picture from my recent vacation to help me voice my images of faith. I'm not sure where I lost it, but once I started crying my eyes out, I noticed that a lot of other people in that room had too. I'm sorry to make everyone cry. It's hard not to when you feel so strongly about something.

I was also going to throw something in here about past speeches that I've had to make. And how they really didn't encompass what I wanted them too. Especially about this one. I could have said so much at my friend's wedding, but instead I kept it short. I'll just let you know, R, I think I could have broke down in tears there too. You rock and I'm so blessed to have you as a friend. A friend for so long. Thanks.

Ok. So, I apparently had a lot to talk about on this one. Who knows about the next one, but thanks for listening. I'll make the next one shorter.

Updates

I hate hate HATE leaving. It is so hard to say goodbye.

That's my first update. Kind of. I've "officially" moved back to Wisconsin. Or, at least I permanently get my mail sent there. I knew that it would be hard to leave, but I never quite realized how hard. Makes sense though. And I might as well get used to it, I mean, I'm leaving the country.... THAT'S RIGHT! I got my Peace Corps Medical Clearance today!!!

Granted, that is just one more step in the everlasting process to be invited to another country, but it is a big one. It means that my file is now being passed on to the Placement Officers out there to match me to a country. I actually just talked to one of the Reps in the area and he gave me some hope too, but also reminded me that the PC is starting to cut back in huge numbers. So now I rest in limbo yet again, but in a different place. Just waiting again.

I want to also comment on another person. I am hurt by their immaturity and childish attitudes, but I've come to terms with the fact that not everyone is my friend to just be my friend. It would seem that even those you've been close to for years are merely on a mission to get something in return other than just friendship. I can't say that I appreciate the drunk dialing at 1, 3, AND 4 in the morning. Go out and get stupid. Go out and do whatever you want to prove to yourself that you are the better person, but please, don't prove yourself to me by calling me and hanging up at the most unreal hours of the morning. Get a grip and grow up.

And I'm looking for inspiration for my Sunday School class. And looking for jobs. And looking to relax. And looking to spend time with my loved ones. Work in progress.

Work in progress.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Ok, so it's my birthday. The 16th. I turn the victoriously lame and uneventful 23. I don't mind though. I'm not huge on birthdays anymore. I remember being a kid thinking from one birthday to the next. Constantly planning all the cool things that we could do, but every year, I always decided (to my Mom's relief) to have a sleepover with my girl friends. We'd do cake and stuff, but most of them were fairly laid back. I do remember a few where we'd go fun places and do fun and crazy things. I think those were the ones that wore my Mom out.

So here, on my birthday this year, I'm not going out to the bars. I'm not having cake. I'm not doing anything special. In fact, I'm heading to the police department to be the ride home and then going to bed early. The cool thing is, Wednesday is the camping trip. Yay!

This camping trip kind of sprung up on me. I know we've been planning it for a long time, but it was one of those things that we decided on quickly and sat down to plan weeks ago. Then everything else in the world happened and I didn't have any time to focus on this trip. Between hopping back and forth across state lines, it's been hard to remember my days. Now it seems like it's coming up fast and I haven't done anything to plan for it. Hopefully, all the reservations are still valid and we get to see what we want to.

Wish us luck!

On The Road Again...

Lately it seems like I haven't been spending much time in any single place. Since August started, I tend to spend each weekend in a different state. Going between Iowa and Wisconsin isn't usually too bad, but the drive is uber long and lonely when I make the trek alone.

But I thought I'd put out a list of where I'll be seeing as lots are asking for updates.

Sept 4-7: Wisconsin. It is the Sunday School Kick-Off on the 7th, so everyone better be energized and ready for the bazillion kids that will take over the church.

Sept 7-10: North Dakota. My Grandma just moved and I was supposed to go help with garage sale preparations, but since plans changed, I think I'm just going to go and hang out with family. I really shouldn't pass up chances like these.

Sept 11-14: Undecided. It would make sense to stay in Wisconsin to help out with Sunday School again, but I do want to come back to Iowa and say some goodbyes and rest up for The BIG Trip.

Sept 16: MY BIRTHDAY

Sept 17-23: Colorado. Road tripping/backpacking/hiking/camping. I'm totally stoked for this. The plan right now is for us to hurry through Nebraska and make it to a campground near Denver on the first day, then spend some time in Denver, head south to the Great Sand Dunes to camp and hike there, hit the Garden of the Gods on the way back up through Colorado Springs, and then head back so someone can get to work again. Silly real jobs and their scheduled shifts. Hehehe. Just kidding. Someday that'll be me.

Sept 24-25: Iowa. Finishing up packing I guess and rest up from the trip.

Sept 26-Rest of the 2008 Year: Wisconsin. Time to set up a temporary job, get some more volunteering in, and teach Sunday School. I will make periodic trips to visit family and friends, but for the first few weeks I have to figure out how to fit 4 years of stuff back into my room at home. Magic and problem solving make me excited, so we'll see how this goes.

On my list of things I must accomplish I have things that aren't hard exactly, just time consuming:

-Christmas Cards
-Sunday School lessons and Projects
-My Christmas present for someone special (I'm making it and I think they read what I write, so I can't say)
-Read. Lots. But I can't read too much because I'll need something to keep me company in Africa too.
-Lots of other things that I'm sure will come up

I think that is it for now. For those of you that are wondering, I'm still waiting for information from the Peace Corps. All I know is what I've known all along. Sub-Saharan Africa in the Health Extension. I guess one new thing is that the program I was placed in to leave in November has since been moved to January. Aside from that, no real news. I'm still waiting for Medical Clearance, but hopefully that will come soon.

Bye for now!

Look! It's Walter Cronkite!

There are few things in life that scare me. Very few, but there are also times that make you realize how exceedingly precious and serious your own mortality is.

I think this thought started Saturday night in a discussion with some of my greatest friends. They are the philosophers of everything conceivable. The discussion drifted from what type of glass is best for drinks, beer in particular, (who really wants warm beer at the end of the glass anyway?), to why wouldn't you want to live forever.

The idea is that by the time our generation is considered "old", there will most likely have been so much in the advancement of technology to not only alter our appearance so that we don't look 150 years old, but there will be ways to assist to make it to such impeccable ages or even reverse the aging process. So the question is, if you could live to be over 100 years old, would you? How valuable is it to stay alive forever?

I have to admit that I wouldn't want to live forever. Not necessarily for superficial reasons, but a combination of being content with my own life and allowing other generations to feel the same excitement of growing and learning as I have. The barrier in my idea though is that I imagine looking and feeling old. Will brittle bones want to travel the world? Teach a new language? No, or at least I don't think so. But if there was a way to alter or stop the aging process, I still can't say that I'd want to live forever. I'm content with what I've got, even if I haven't experienced everything that I possibly could have. I'm happy. So what does age have to do with it?

It happened to be one of the COOLEST car shows ever. I'm going to give a quick shout out to the Wheels of Italy car show. www.wheelsofitaly.com It is an ever-growing gathering of Italian only vehicles. I think the great part about it is not only seeing amazing cars that you'd almost never see, but you also get to see all the "rejects" outside of the gates. These so called rejects are all the other World's Greatest cars that are from all over. Still impressive, but not Italian. It's enough to give someone attention deficit disorder. You start looking at one car, admiring and drooling all over it and then BAM! Out of the corner of your eye, you see something else amazing and have to walk over to it and so the vicious cycle begins. But it really is an enjoyable day. I also must throw out a shout to Maserati. :D (Big grin) Me = Jealous.

Ok, back to being mortal. Part of this car show is riding the 60 miles to it in my Dad's FIAT. This is one of those 1974 classics that is in great shape, but definitely seen better days. It's an awesome car though. I love it's character. It can just be scary sometimes. Being that it is an old classic, it rides a little low, making you travel at 70 mph down I-94 at the same level of an 18-wheeler's tires. With the top down at that level, you'd think that it would take a mere catepillar to throw that semi off and squish you. The other thing that caught my attention is that aside from all the gauges on the dash, there are three lights labeled "Brake Failure", "Hazard", and "Fasten Seat Belts". Only the seatbelt light was on, but the thought did cross my mind if they light up in a specific order. It would be ironic if they did. Yay for mortality.

I have to give my Dad kudos on this too. He has done so much to fix up that car. It was in a little rough condition when he got it years ago, but it hasn't caught on fire since that one time about 6 years ago. All in all, the only thing I think we even had to check was the tire pressure and the oil temperature. Not bad for a car that is going to turn 40 soon.

Ok, time for bed. Check out the website though. Pretty impressive.

Say What?

These last few days have been really hard. I can't quite pin point why, but all I feel is this wicked anxiety. It isn't quite like I'm missing something, but it is more that I've been trying to hold onto this happy facade for everyone else when all I really want is for someone to just tell me it's all going to be okay and listen to me vent. Basically, I feel as if I can't quite find my center. Can it be that my zen is off balance?

I tried venting yesterday in a blog. The only downside is that I was in the middle of my fuming and felt that what I was writing was not really what I wanted to say and would have been extremely hurtful to those who read it. Which wasn't what I wanted anyway.

So today, I started out the same way. Frustrated, anxious, lonely and the only person I really wanted to talk to and that I thought would understand me had just gone to bed after getting off working the nightshift. I fussed a bit. Trying to find my path on my own and failing.

Since I hadn't yet gotten ahold of my advisor from school, I finally went and stormed his office. Not sure I found the exact answers I was looking for, but not a terrible start. Then I wanted to find more pieces to add to my growing tea fetish. I'm not sure if you've heard, but tea is amazing. More on this later.

I ended up at the Target store trying to decide if I really was just wasting time, or trying to actually focus my anxiety. One thing I will admit to liking is the sales and clearance racks in the clothing department here. There is always at least one thing that I really like and that is on sale enough to justify buying it. From there, I started perusing the scrapbooking aisle. There is so much there to look at. Granted, when I look at scrapbooking supplies, I really analyze it and what I could make of it... which makes this process take longer. But I finally realized, that I had to leave the store at some point and make my way back to the apartment.

I also need to mention that lately I've been hearing lots of rumors from FPCV's (Future Peace Corps Volunteers) about their departure dates being moved. See, my understanding with the Peace Corps is that it is all about patience and flexibility. So far, I've let all the rumors fly past on the assumption that when I need to know, they'll tell me.

And then I gave in. I had to. I broke my patience and called. The answer? Yes, my group has been postponed until January. The only reason for this that they would tell me is that they are re-organizing the program I'll be a part of and they want to finalize everything in it before they send us out. Makes sense and now I have my answers.

The question then was, did this make me feel better at all?

You'd think so. I know that I'll be able to spend more time with my friends and family. I'll get to spend one last holiday season with everyone before I go. I'll have a chance to make some money to help with bills, and yeah, I'm glad to know it's not just a rumor anymore.

So I called to tell some people and definitely didn't get the reaction I was thinking I would. It's hard to be excited when no one else seems to be. For the record, I didn't join the Peace Corps because of its danger or because I was trying to "one up" someone else in their life accomplishments. I joined because I truly believe I have the skills that when shared with others, will benefit them and their communities. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world.

What I really want to know is why doesn't she just tell me that she hates my life choices. Why not just say it to my face? Don't pretend. It isn't worth it. Don't cover up animosity with destructive criticism. Don't mask pure disgust with questions and guilt. I'll admit it hurts, but I don't need negative support. I have plenty of people who stand behind me and believe I've made good choices. I have plenty of people who are proud of me.

So instead of being excited at the news, I'm angry because of the negativity of the whole conversation. At this point, I thought that no matter what, my day was gonna keep being terrible. But it didn't. Although I didn't want to be alone, I spent the afternoon sulking.

The perk of the day came when the opportunity to go out to a movie came. I'd been wanting to see 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2' for awhile and finally went tonight. I'm not sure what about it made my mood switch, but it did. And for now, all is well.

Ok, so this isn't my typical blog. I don't normally go through a detailed schedule of my day, but it just seemed to fit today. Maybe next time I'll swoon over tea.

Mmm, tea.

Dump Your Lawnmower!

Today I heard a sermon that really reminded me why I'm on this planet and why I've chosen to spend the next 2 and a half years volunteering.  Sometimes I do wonder if I get distracted during things like sermons and lectures and catch one inspiring note, but what I heard today can be uplifting even if it is only just a small part of it.

It was all about taking risks.  Taking risks like Jesus did and would want us to.  That Jesus would have been more likely to ride a motorcycle than a lawnmower because it was more challenging.  Lawnmowers are just too safe, slow, predictable.  Motorcycles are exciting, fast, and thrilling.

It makes me look at my life and the choices I've made.  I've always had big dreams.  Big hopes.  Big expectations.  I look for the best in people even though I know most others don't expect it.  I try to strive to make things come from the best light they can.  It isn't easy.  It isn't safe.  And it can be very disappointing.  There has to be a perfect balance between wanting the best for and from people, but understanding that failure is a part of growth.  Disappointment is something I try to avoid because I don't want to feel like I've failed.  Yet, I know it is something that we all have to face if we want to better ourselves.  

So in that risk taking, I question whether I'm taking enough.  *small giggle here*  I think those that know me already assume I'm taking enough risks.  Giving up everything and moving halfway around the world for years to live in a hut making no money and potentially facing slow, tedious progress seems like a pretty big risk.  I want so much to help everyone as much as I can.  I wish I had endless funds to travel around and help those that need it.

Members from the church I grew up in are looking to purchase land in Kenya to build a sister church and school.  I find that absolutely amazing.  I want so much to make changes like that.  Because of them, teens will be able to go to school.  And not just a regular school, but a school for progressive farming and land management.  I'm just stunned by the possibilities that will provide.  Truly heartfelt.

I keep thinking of all the things that I can do.  All the little things like donating my hair or fundraising for this cause or that.  When I come back from Africa, I want to assemble a team to do the Susan G. Komen for the Cure 3Day 60 Mile Walk for Breast Cancer.  If any one wants to join in, please let me know.  I would love company for that.

So am I being "risky"?  Are my risks big enough?  

I might also add that another one of my risks is falling completely, utterly, uncontrollably, happily, and wonderfully head over heels in love.  Perfect timing, right?  Just as I'm about to leave for the biggest risk of my life so far.  I just have to stack them in right?  I don't care.  What's that quote?  "'Tis better to have loved, than to have never loved at all."  Ok.  So that's a little personal paraphrasing, but I'm glad I took the risk.  I almost let this one go.  How stupid would that have been?  Being a chicken on my lawnmower wasn't going to get me anywhere.  

Well, that's it for now.  And as the sermon challenged, take a risk.  Dump your lawnmower!

Sorry...The Pressure Was Building... I Had To Focus

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA





And on a side note. I still hate doctors, I especially hate the random things that just make the human body go catatonic, and I hate feeling like I'm incompetent and worthless.

My Face Is Leaking

I really don't have much to say. Or at least not TOO much.

1. I graduated college!

2. I quit my job! (I guess saying expiration of employment is a better way to put that. I could only work there as long as I was a student.)

3. The Olympics are fun and I'm bummed that I missed the opening ceremony.

4. I want to go to an Olympics opening ceremony sometime.

Yep. I think that's it. I really don't feel like writing a whole lot. I'm really not feeling well enough to be wonderfully inpirational or creative. Next time.

It's A Rendition That Will Peel The Enamel From Your Teeth

I've been thinking of things to write lately, but I'm coming up with not much of anything.



Just a few updates though...



I had my consult with my doctor. As much as I felt that I didn't have much to worry about, I was starting to get nervous. When they called to schedule my consult, the nurse just said, "We need to discuss your test results." And when I asked why, if they were all negative, then WHOO HOO! Her response was, "I'm sorry ma'am. We really need you to come into the office." That was the sobering moment for me. For some reason, all the effort I'd put into not thinking about any results came crashing down and that was all I could think about. It was so hard because I still have so many different directions I'm trying to layer in my mind; keeping everything sorted out while trying to retain basic information only. But the worry was for naught. Everything that they 'thought' was abnormal was actually a mistake. I'm not only not scared anymore, but I'm not sick either. Yay for real tests and second opinions.

I'm not sure if anyone reading this is going to understand this, except those from Iowa. RAGBRAI is this week. I've never really been involved in it. RAGBRAI is a huge bicycle event across Iowa; from one side to the other in its entirety. It is the first time it's been in Ames since I've lived in Iowa, so I've gotten to see more of it than I ever have before. Makes me want to try it. So my new pact to myself is that I'm going to work on my bike skills while I'm in Africa and I'll do the whole RAGBRAI event when I come back. Oh yeah, this year the route is 471 miles long.

The only other vent I have is for the kid that I work with. He's grating on my very last nerve. If I wanted to babysit this summer, I would have applied for a job in child rearing. I didn't. This would leave me to believe that I DIDN'T WANT A BABYSITTING JOB. At least not as my primary function. I've thought about volunteering my time for a few different couples that I know who have kids. We'll see though. I think I'm going to get my fair share of kids this fall when I'm teaching classes.

I'll be done for now. Short. Sweet. Time-waster for 5 minutes.

Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing!

Ever heard that dinging alarm when you've far beyond exhausted the fuel in your vehicle, but you just have to keep on going? Long after the little light comes on and usually right when you really are too busy to get to the gas station, the little bells start going off and the dash lights up warning you that you REALLY need to get gas in your car. It's the alarm that says, "You've pushed this damn vehicle too far! Now FIX IT!"

This seems to be the perfect analogy for my life. I've been running on no sleep, no food, and have everywhere in the world to be. I have more responsibilities and obligations than I think I've ever had to juggle before. And just when I'm about to try to balance myself out and refuel, the little light goes off and I've realized that I've forgotten something increadibly important.

Now, I pride myself on my ability to stay fairly cool under pressure and problem-solve like no other. But, I haven't had time to do anything other than run around for the past month. If I'm not in my car, I'm in my fields. If I'm not in the fields, I'm in class. If I'm not in class, I'm frantically scrambling to get there. If I could clone myself, I would. I'd make sure that I'd be able to dedicate a clone to each aspect that tugs on my heartstrings and requires my attention.

I did get a call this morning saying my test results from the doctor are in. I guess I'll just have to go back and have a little chat with him before I send out my final Peace Corps paperwork. I potentially could officially know where I'm going in a few short weeks.

Though... When I say that, I realize that it is bittersweet. I really am set up to leave my current location to travel on to the next. I've never stayed in one place very long. I don't think I'm meant to. I must have nomad's blood. I'm leaving behind some great experiences and some terrible experiences, some great people and some people I'm relieved to be away from. Yet, I love the adventure. Yep, bittersweet.

I could go on forever, but until I get my act together, I really don't have much time to blog. No worries, I'll be back...


To be continued...

Que Hora Es?

So, it's about the time that I have to start thinking about moving. To think about getting everything all boxed up, pack away the memories, and ship them off to a closet 300 miles away. It is hard to suddenly think about because I want so much to leave, yet, I don't. So many things have happened here, over the years and even recently and I just want to string along happiness wherever I find it. I want those around me to be happy. And I really don't want to hurt anyone. I keep saying that, but I seem to have almost given up on it. I have to finally face reality and know that I will hurt people. By making the decisions I have in my own life, I had to choose between a lot of things. One of my biggest fears, aside from airports, is of being forgotten. I really don't want to be forgotten. I know that the world keeps on going. We get so busy with so many things that we can't even begin to focus on everything and everyone , but I don't want to be one of the ones that people think, "Oh, it's been forever since anyone has seen her, she must have fallen off the face of the earth."

Nope. I definitely don't want that.

All The Pretty Little Thoughts

This is going to be one of those very long and tedious venting blogs. A lot has happened since the last blog. Mainly because I was out of town and I had lots of time away from my normal environment to take an inner look at myself and what's around me.

First off I want to say that I went, and was in, one of the most spectacular weddings ever. It was for my best friend Robyn and her man, Ben. They've been together for many years and it has been a gift from God to watch them grow together over the years. They got married on Friday, the 27th, and it was just amazing. I felt so blessed to be such a part of their day. I even got to sign their marriage license (gotta make it official). The reception was also just as amazing and I have to admit that I loved it everytime someone came up and thanked me for being there for Robyn, for all the help and love, and everything that made it all wonderful. I can't quite take the credit for all of it because it was Robyn's day and her planning and everything, but still, it felt good.

The only sad moment that has lingered for me is the realization that I'm alone. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm at this point where I know it's a bad and almost stupid idea to want a real relationship. Why? Because I'm leaving. Not just leaving, but leaving soon. With the Peace Corps and even before it, I'm going to be leaving what I've called home for the past 4 years. This alone has started to sink in as a sad moment, but it all accumulates together. I really do want that happiness that I see others have. I want that silly happiness that is in the movies, however fake it is. But I'm stuck between knowing it's not gonna happen now, wanting it right now, and knowing it really wouldn't make sense, so I'm fighting it off. I don't want to. But I don't want to hurt anyone. Including myself. Wanting it would destroy this facade I think I've built up.

In the car on the way back home I was listening to a CD that I have (and will embarassingly admit that I avidly sing to). It is one of those songs that I'm not entirely sure on the meaning, but in a way it's morbidly uplifting. It talks about death and life and praying for good health, things like that, but this phrase stuck out today for some reason. It goes:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again.

I think the part about "love until you don't" is kind of sad, but at the same time, the rest of it is eerily true. You have to look inside yourself and love the things you are and in loving them, you have to share that love with others. You share, even if it is hard, or hurtful, because in the end, you just start all over again by looking at yourself and how you've grown from experiences. It is just a circle that never ends in a beautiful way.

The first part of it though is harder for me to interpret because for as much as the second part is so uplifting, the first part is almost a defeatist point of view. You're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't? I guess I've also always thought that you're as young as you let yourself be. You also love for eternity and you never stop trying. To just try until you can't seems to be a way of giving up on things that you really want. If you didn't want them in the first place, you wouldn't have tried for them at all. Right?

And laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh. This one is so right. Live to the point of tears. But maybe it should be changed to live to the point of tears and laughter. You know those moments where you laugh for so long or so hard that your stomach hurts, you can't control the tears, and you've lost every ounce of oxygen as you've started gasping for air? I love those. Those are what I live for; you laugh until you cry. And you cry until you laugh. At some point, the tears of sadness do stop. I think it's is first when you realize that you're crying for something that should be happy. Or maybe something that you know is completely irrational. When the laughter finally comes, it is the relief of knowing that there is an end to the tears. That life will continue.

I've been contemplating the way things are in my life lately and I really do like what I see. I feel that there is so much out there for me to touch and see and cry over. There are so many magnificent people and places in our world, I can hardly think of all of them without feeling the stinging of tears approaching because the are so great. I saw a video of a guy and it had him videotaping himself all over the world. Not only am I jealous, but all this thinking has made me think about making a list of all the places I must go.

London, England
Stonehenge, United Kingdom
Scottish Highlands, Scotland
Isle of Man
Wales
Dublin, Ireland
Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland
Seljalandsfoss, Iceland
Oslo, Norway
Tromso, Norway
Stockholm, Sweden
Copenhagen, Denmark
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Lisse, Netherlands
Brussels, Belgium
Paris, France
Normandy, France
French Riviera, France
Madrid, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Swiss Alps, Switzerland
Geneva, Switzerland
Vienna, Austria
Saltzburg, Austria
Florence, Italy
Rome, Italy
Venice, Italy
Munich, Germany
Cologne, Germany
Hamburg, Germany
Prague, Czech Republic
Warsaw, Poland
Dubrovnik, Croatia
Istanbul, Turkey
Athens, Greece
Santorini, Greece
ISRAEL AGAIN!
Wadi Rum, Jordan
Petra, Jordan
Sinai, Egypt
Cairo, Egypt
Alexandria, Egypt
Tripoli, Libya
Tunis, Tunisia
Fez, Morocco
Batik, Morocco
Casablanca, Morocco
Marakesh, Morocco
Windhoek, Namibia
Cape of Good Hope, South Africa
Chalechino, Zambia
Timbuktu, Mali
Lemur Island, Madagascar
Antseranana, Madagascar
The Falls, Malawi
Mt. Kilimanjaro
Serengeti, Tanzania
Muscat, Oman
Dubai, UAE



And that's the short list. There will be more added. Definitely. I just need to get some sleep. I guess I really do have a lot on my mind. I keep thinking about things that I don't need to think about and it is getting me all sorts of confused. Sad day.

Just remember to breathe; until you don't.

Rest In Peace My Friend

Ok, I know I said it last time, but it has officially been too long since the last time I wrote. I keep thinking of things to say; things that I want to log and remember. And then I'm either too tired or too busy to put them down. Thus continues the chaotic life. So here's my quick list of the last few events:

1. A co-worker died in the field. This is incredibly sad to me because she is such a wonderful person. I think that I could start on about her, but I'll just leave it that she has such a beautiful soul. Although I don't think I'll ever really know what happened, I hope that there was no pain. Rest in peace my friend.

2. I went to the College World Series. I'm not sure that it was the absolute best event of my life, but it was definitely enjoyable. We battled the wind and rain to watch a pretty good game between UNC and Fresno State. If you know what game I'm talkin about, then you know how it went.

3. I got all my dental work approved for the Peace Corps. Now I just have to graduate and get my medical in. Putsy stuff. I hope it goes fast.

4. I'm actually doing well in school. I don't know that I ever thought this day would come, but I think it has to do with the fact that I focus more in the summer. It must be the weather. I love being outside.

5. School's almost done. Officially. Yay. One class down, three more to finish. I'm on a roll!

6. I have the sweetest tan I think I've ever had. Well... Borderline on the ones I used to get when I was 6 because we lived in the Southern States. A side bonus to the fact that I work outside ALL day EVERY day. I think it's funny when people are like, "Yeah, I spent some time outside today, it was so nice out," when all they really did was sit out in the sun until it got too hot. I, on the other hand, step outside at 6:45am and don't go inside until I make it back to my apartment to shower at 3:45pm. Spending all that time outside keeps me busy, and really really tired. Another reason why the blogs have slowed.

7. I actually have a "seven" on this list. It is kinda taboo and more than a little scary. Has a lot to do with a lot of the recent blogs that I've posted, but I don't even know how to talk about it. I've discovered that some people just aren't very good at listening to me, but oh well. I'm workin on that one. I'm also halfway between wanting to show that I do genuinely care for someone and scared shitless because I really do suck at commitment. Why is this so hard?

Oof. I think that is it for now. I have to work on a few projects. The work is never over.

If You Backpedal Any Faster You'll Moonwalk Right Through That Wall

So, it seems like it has been forever since I've written. I think that's do to the ridiculous schedule I've been trying to maintain. I'm not sure how much longer I can pull it off, but thankfully, it will all change next week.

Now. To the matter at hand. I was walking around my field today (in the mud) and I had more than a few thoughts that I wanted to get out. Here's my list:

1. Scooping the slop in the field looked like I was scooping a really runny brownie mix. I'm not sure where that thought came from, but I think it had to do with the fact that I unearthed an underground river and everything was like a thick soup.

2. I've made a list of all the characteristics I want. I won't elaborate, but it came after I've realized that I've made a slightly awkward connection to one of the students in my class. We don't really talk, but everywhere I turn, he's there. Waving at me. I have yet to figure that one out, but I have to admit, I like his story. He's cool in my book.

3. The order of my life is as follows: Summer for work and school (2 more months), Wisconsin for after work and school (3 months), Africa for the Peace Corps (27 months), Norway, Sweden and England for grad school (24 months), and from there, maybe Germany or Switzerland. The grad school thing is optional. I have two very good ideas for that. Either Creighton in Omaha for Conflict Resolution and maybe a law degree in Child Advocacy or Norway for Human Rights. Both would be really up my alley. I guess the third option for that is law school at the U of M. We'll see.

4. I thought there was a four. But I can't think of it right now. I'll make a mental note to remember and will come back for more.

Lost

I had a dream that I found you.

Just Look

"We all live in hiding. In one way or another, we all conceal pieces of ourselves from the rest of the world. Some people hide because their lives depend on it. Others because they don't like being seen. And then there are the special cases; the ones that hide because they just want someone to care enough to look for them."

Seeing Blue

I dyed my hair blue today. :D And I love it! It's not entirely blue, but a really dark brown, almost black with blue undertones that really light up in the sunlight. See? I love it!





Moving on. Ok, so you know those times that you think that nothing will go right and then all of a sudden the storm passes and you have more than you can possibly handle? So much that the abundance of opportunities is just beyond control. One of my teachers said in class the other day that confidence is sexy and that if you exude confidence, you'll get anything you want. I've heard that before and especially pertaining to jobs and dating. I've also never doubted it, but never saw it work in my life. Apparently I didn't have that confidence yet. Now I do and have too much on my hands.

It also kind of sucks that I'm not great with intimacy. Following a string of horribly ending relationships, it is no surprise I suppose, but still, hurtful to everyone involved. It's not that I don't want a relationship, I think its more that I'm scared of hurting people; especially myself. I guess I see it that I will be leaving in 5 months and dating relationships are about being attached to each other intimately, which I'm not sure that I can accomplish right now. So much has happened lately that I'm almost scared for myself. Or of myself?

I do wish that I had answers. The adventure of experience I guess; never having answers given, but needing to be found. Such is life.

The Great Ambiguous Dichotomy

I'm trying to decide if I feel overwhelmed or just whelmed. Can I be just whelmed?

I work from early morning hours to noon, go to class for an hour, then go back to work. I go home, shower and eat, go to class. Come home, do homework, sleep and repeat. You'd think that this would be overbearing and stressful. So far it's not. Yet, I can't help feeling this emotion I can't quite describe. It's there, but not at the same time. My philandering philosophy professor said once that today's society is so fucked up that everyone assumes that they are either depressed, depressed and overly medicated on experimental drugs that make them pretend they are happy, or they assume that they must always be happy or there is something wrong with them and they pick one of the other options to wallow in self pity. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but how is it that now when I'm not "happy" and bouncing off the walls with joy that I think there is something else wrong with me? Somehow I managed to fit into the mold instead of going against the grain.

Sidenote of the evening: I miss talking to Jordan. I know he's out there somewhere. Last I knew, months ago, he was in Iraq. Now my emails get sent back to me "undeliverable" and there hasn't been one single word from him. I wonder where he went. I hope he's okay.

Dichotomy. I think that is a great way to describe my emotions. I want something and I don't. I'm happy and I'm not. I'm tired and I'm.... I'm.... Yeah. A little bit of everything.

Locks of Love

I thought it was about time to put up a picture or two. About a month and a half ago, I cut off about 11 inches of hair and donated it to Locks of Love. I think LoL sounds like an amazing program; providing hair treatments and wigs to children who have lost theirs due to disease. I told someone that that's why I cut my hair and they got all grossed out about it. Saying that wearing someone else's hair is gross and disgusting. I have to admit I was kind of hurt by that; I did it in good faith and with an open heart. I hope that whoever receives my hair does absolutely everything that they want to with their life. Difficult things happen to everyone, but it is the strength that you have in your soul and heart that will define how you see yourself. A little boost of encouragment never hurts either... ;)

Song of Life

I want to walk through this doorway
I want to open my mind.
I want to pledge my allegiance
To all I can find.
I want a car that will crash through the barrier
To a road no one knows.
I want to feel less controlled; more abandoned
I want to land far from home.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
Is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn
To journey and return,
To never rest til I've seen all I can see.

I want to learn a completely new language
One I don't understand.
I want to help some lost, someone helpless
With the strength of my hand.
I want to come to the base of a statue built
Before they counted years.
There I'll fall with my face in my hands
And cry; feel their hope in my tears.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
Is a perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn
To journey and return,
To never rest til I've seen all I can see.

Train rides and pastures colliding,
Colors and customs I've never seen.
I know I,
Yes I know I,
I know I
Will stumble, but
Time is precious my friends.

No other journey can
Easily understand
The more that I see,
The more that I love.

So, this I swear to you,
And this I swear to me.
I'll never rest til I've seen all I can see.

No, I'll never rest until I've seen all I can see.

I want to know where the strength of a person lies
In this their past or their future.

No, I'll never rest until I've seen all I can see.

Impending Doom Motivates Procrastination

I really don't know why or what I'm feeling. I have a mix of things starting with the inner conflict of knowing I should go to bed and the urge to stay up and read my homework and be a good student.

I'm also fighting the inner battle of being happy and sad. I want to be happy, but I'm not extremely happy about anything at this second. Just calm. So I'm neither happy or sad.

The thought-provoking concept for the night is as follows:

If you study psychology and short term memory (STM), you'll learn that the majority of people can only remember an average of 7 thoughts in their STM. Seven digits of a phone number ring any bells? Apparently anything shorter than that isn't memorable and anything more than that is too much to process. Thus, when writing professionally, you are supposed to write sentences with 11 words. Why 11? Because it's just the right length to make a sentence with meaningful words and contain just a few fillers. I think I write more than that. Or less. Haha. I guess I don't think in long, drawn out sentences. Maybe my attention span can't handle anything other than a short term thought....

Inspirational Philosophy

If winning makes people greedy, competative, and territorial, why do we love winning so much? Is it because the idea of being the best controls our minds and overbears over all other feelings and sets the bar so high that we fight for the best feeling of euphoria that a human can possibly enjoy. Or at least think we enjoy. Then, with continued wins, we realize that we are better than everyone else and the superiority complex overrides all possibilities of anyone else being great and makes us impervious to fault and doubt.


So, can losing set us free?

Are You Happy?

It has come to my attention that for as much as I want to thrive and show people that I'm intelligent and really a bright person, I'm failing on the inside. I feel like I'm failing. I guess my understanding of things is slightly different than what others think. I feel like I can grasp the world by going at my own pace. I learn by experience. As practical as repetative learning and testing may be, I'd rather just experience the world through my own eyes. There is a difference between book smarts and street smarts. I've been able to navigate a foreign country with only a hand written note in a language I don't read. I can solve problems with little guidance. I can step up and lead when I see that it only takes one to stand up and out from the crowd to get the group moving.



So am I worried about how I'm doing? Yes.



Should I worry about how I'm doing? Maybe.



Can I learn without the traditional ways? Yes.



Am I scared? Yes.



Am I happy? I don't know.



It scares me that I don't know if I'm happy. I want to be happy. I'm envious of those that exude happiness all the time. It's like sunshine comes out their butt. They can't do anything but poop fuzzy rainbows. Not that I want magenta and fuschia to come flyin out in all different directions, but I'd like to do more than pretend I know what's going on with my life. I really don't want to fake my life and pretend that it exists in all its glory. I really want it to be amazing. I want to live so fully, that I can cry about how great it was.

From The Gentleman At The Bar...

According to U.S. News, my car color says that I'm a person with a sunny disposition, I'm moderately below average in my confidence level, and I have fairly pronounced mood swings.

This may be right, especially with the way things have been going in my life lately. Moody beyond control, lacking confidence in most everything I do and freakishly cheery despite everything else. Yep. Sounds like me.

Today has been spent doing nothing. I actually only got one big thing accomplished and it is something I've wanted to do for awhile now. I spoke to a jeweler about getting a custom piece of jewelry done. I'm excited now because all the ideas are finally on paper and are going to become a reality.

The only other thing that I've managed to do today is one load of laundry, lots of web surfing, and a few naps inbetween episodes of House. I'm not sure why, but I like that show. I can appreciate the mad sarcasm that it has to offer.

I also learned today how fois gras is made which is incredibly wrong and disgusting and that lobsters can feel pain so cooking them live is why PETA is against lobster-eaters.

So that's it. Random.

Stupid Rollercoasters

*mutters under breath* Stupid rollercoasters. Why can't I just pick an emotion and stick with it? I was so happy about how things worked out with him. Very pleased. And then it drastically went downhill when I realized that for as much as I don't want anything permanent or remotely close to it, I do want him to be close. I feel that now, he's the one that knows me best and when I need some comfort for the things we share, I want him to be there. And I realized he's not. So what now?

What now?

I've got no answers. None. Zip-o.

Stupid rollercoasters.





On a side note, I love my job. Sucks for the sunburn though. According to the nurse on the phone, this bizarre looking burn isn't actually a reaction to the plants or any chemicals we might possibly use. It's just a bad burn and reaction to the meds from this last weekend. The only plus side is that it could possibly turn into a semi-decent tan. Yay for that!

The Sigh Of Relief

You know that feeling when things all of a sudden go a thousand times better than you thought they would? When for no reason at all, all your fears and worries are erased? When someone hugs you and takes all that anxiety from you?

I was scared to share my news. I didn't want to tell him. And then it started to pour out of me like a free flowing river. I was scared because I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want him to leave and never come back. I didn't want him to be angry. I wanted him to accept me for me. It's not like he was required to. He has no obligation to me. I don't want him to. We've always said that. I just didn't want to lose a friend.

And I didn't. I made a better one. I've always heard people say, "the truth will set you free." I'm not sure I entirely believed it until now. I shared everything, Absolutely everything. And you know what he did? Hugged me, told me I was beautiful, cooked me dinner, and cuddled with me on the couch. How wonderful a friend is that? He wasn't mad. He was wonderfully understanding. He wasn't angry. He listened wholly and smiled that it would all be okay. He didn't leave. He hugged me and said I was beautiful. What a wonderful friend.

Not gonna lie. We not only hugged, but we kissed. Passionately. Furiously. Painstakingly. Savagely. And now I have sexy marks on my arms, shoulders, and neck of where he burned his kisses into me. We also had a little bit of some wild (and safe) fun on the side. I feel so comfortable around him. His openness has made me more accepting of the things I have in my life, especially me. He makes me feel like any person should; happy, relaxed, and comfortable in their own skin.

Thank you.

A Weekend To Remember?

So, I thought that this last weekend was going to be terrible. I was going to do something I thought I'd never do and I wasn't scared for it itself, but more for the physical pain that might come with it. In fact, I think I was most scared because of what everyone else had said would be painful, both mentally and physically. Rumors are terrible. They are wrong. And in my case? I'm glad they were wrong. I can't say I felt much, and if that means I'm cold-hearted, I'm sorry. I felt what I did was right for all the right reasons.

The weekend went off without a hitch, or so I'm pretty sure and I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

I know that eventually I'll forget about this. It will eventually be something that I won't be thinking about. I'm kind of sad knowing I'll forget the magnitude of this, but I hope that the small inkling of memory will remind me to do the right things for my future and for everyone elses'.

It's Not Who I Thought It Was

I'm again amazed at what money will buy.

The magic eraser to the magic eraser that didn't work?

Peace of mind?

Yeah, money can do amazing things.

I'm also in awe of amazing friends. She knows not that this is about her, but she helps more than she'll ever know. I owe so much to her.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

So, I'm sitting awake at 4am. Trying to think of something to write about for my last paper of the semester, contemplating life, and listening to horrible music on VH1. Yeah, I tried to sleep, and without meaning to, woke up early to work on this paper. All of my dreams included this paper. The fear of not getting it done. Eew.

The other upsetting thing is that I got a email returned 'undeliverable' from my friend in Iraq. That worries me. I know that he always said that he was safe and never in harm's way, but now I have no other way to talk to him. And I miss him. I miss the things he had to say. I just miss talking to him. I hope he contacts me soon.

I think that's it for now. I really need to work on this paper. *grumble * *grumble*

Can't Sleep

Title explains it. I'm thinking too much and can't get to sleep. Instead, I've been cruising channels constantly on TV looking for things to waste my time. That and I'm really thirsty. Bring on the orange juice.

Oops?

Ok, so first off. I really need to start writing more. I've thought about a dozen times that I should write, but I never really have anything of substance to talk about. So here's a brief rundown of the last couple weeks.

1. Had dinner with Mr. Green Beans. Twice. But I can't say that I'm overly impressed anymore. I think I had just fallen for someone because I thought I needed someone in my life. I was wrong. I'm okay by myself and am quite happy about that. As to if there's going to be another dinner, I have no idea. Something tells me probably not only because I guess I'm just not that interested. Plus, there's no effort to keep up with the activities in each others lives. He doesn't really talk to me and I don't have much to say to him. Oh well. At least I know, rather than wondering forever if it could have been.

2. The weather has been incredible. Incredibly unpredictable, but incredible none the less. VEISHA was a couple weekends ago and it was cold and snowy. Stupid, but then now as I'm writing this, it is hot, sunny and I'm working on my pretend tan. Another note about VEISHA. It wasn't anything like I expected. Being that it was the first one that I've EVER participated in, I had a blast. Granted, I also well lubricated on some wonderful alcohol. The only thing I worry about is my new fan club. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing time. Yet, I look at my life the way it is right now and I don't see the need for any sort of cling operation. I get edgy and nervous when people talk long term commitment type things. I guess we'll have to see what happens, but still... I can't say I'm sure I know what I'm doing.

3. School is almost done. One word: YAY! I just had this wicked presentation I had to do for one of my more risque classes. I think that is the only class that it is entirely appropriate to talk about graves, putrification, and gross anatomy. My presentation topic was on cadavers. I kinda got a kick out of it because for as disturbing as the topic could be, I found a lot of things to kinda keep it lighthearted. As much as you really can keep cadavers lighthearted. Haha. I can think of a thousand things to add to that, but I'll keep my morbid humor to myself for right now.

4. I sent in all my Peace Corps medical paperwork and on the 16th of April, it was officially at the Peace Corps Medical Office. I know that doesn't mean a WHOLE bunch right now, but the fact that they have it and now I religiously check my email and PC toolkit for it to tell me that it hasn't been updated yet. I think I'm going to have a few things to check out again. I know that blogs are for spilling everything, but some of this is more that I'm sure most want to hear. Whatever. Then don't read what I'm going to say. I had some abnormalities in one of my tests. The doctors say that right now it's not a big deal. That 70% of abnormalities such as mine go away on their own. But seeing that it's the Peace Corps, the doctors think that I should get it checked out. Not necessarily just for the PC, but for me too. Apparently, some of these things cause cancer. Now, I'm only a little worried. My plans for life have kinda changed in the last few weeks. With all this new stuff, I've been sitting in doctors' offices for awhile and I've been thinkin about where my life might go next. Which brings me to my next topic.

5. I have been considering being an egg donor. I have really seemed to focus much more on charity, patience, and giving lately and I really feel that this is something that I can give that would mean the world to someone else. I have to admit that I don't know what it's like to feel the need to bear my own children yet, but I know that it is a very powerful need in many women. I may not be ready for my own kid, but if I can partially provide that for someone else, wow. So here lies the problem. With these abnormalities, I can't donate. And then, once I get these 'problems' resolved, I still won't be able to get the other thing I'm thinking of. With the Peace Corps, I've been thinking about a IUD. For those that don't know what that is, google it. It would save on everything in the long run. Then again, I can't do that either if I want to donate. So. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

6. And remember that 'mistake' from last blog? I think I didn't quite get that sorted out. Yet another reason that I won't be able to donate. I am praying that everything is okay. I'm praying that my solution already worked. Pray for me? Serves me right, though. I'm not exactly great a preventing stupid things like this. Maybe it's the worrying that is holding me back....

7. I'd like to say that this is the last thing I'm going to comment about, but that's not true. Haha. In 4 days, I'm donating my hair to Locks of Love. Which means, I'm cutting 11-12 inches of my hair off AND I'm contemplating a blue streak for good luck (and for fun, obviously). I'm totally stoked about this. FOUR DAYS!

8. I quit my job. I loved working at the Police Department. I loved being able to say that I was a 911 Dispatcher and knowing that my job was truly meaningful. I loved the pace of it. I loved the activity. I loved that job. Downside? The people. See, normally I can just shrug people off and say that what doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger and EVERYTHING is a learning experience. What I can't handle is people telling me what to feel. I went to have a heart-to-heart with my boss regarding an incredibly minor, but moderately offensive incident. What I really wanted to get across to my boss was that attitudes like that are harmful to everyone and what employer lets conflict fester and also that all things negative (like Ms. Negative Nancy that cries over everything) are highly unproductive and incredibly incondusive to the work environment. The result was less than impressive. For every "I feel..." statement I used, Ms. Boss counteracted with, "Oh, no you don't," or "It sounds like you're just emotional." My ultimate favorite response was that I have a nurturing and 'blue' personality and if I want things to function, I should take it upon myself to make the appropriate changes within myself to appease any situtations I feel should change. When I asked why it is only my responsibility to work on attitude, the response was, "Everyone has their priorities." Obviously, I am not one. But that's okay. I opted to leave, and yet again, when I said, "I feel that my time here has ended, I'd like to resign." The response was, "Oh, no you don't. You're just emotional." Sure. Emotion this. I'm done. The same day I was hired at a new job. I will be working outside in the sun, rain, wind, and dirt, but I love that idea. Perfect way to spend my last summer here. And I'll get to work on my tan. Haha!


Okay. I think that's about it for now. I obviously had a lot more to vent about than I realized. Hopefully the few worries I had will either resolve themselves, or the solutions won't be very intensive. The whole abnormalities one might require some minor surgery. I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but I guess time will be the judge of that. Until then, peace out. And never quit dreaming, especially of those hunky Swedes and Scots (that was a pretty fabulous dream) and of apartments in foreign places. :D

Magic Eraser

How easy is it to erase really big mistakes?

Through recent events, I've found that it's REALLY easy. I've always told myself that I need to make the best possible choices for me, but also for those around me. Yet, I always manage to make really big mistakes. Some people make really big and public mistakes. Some people make mistakes so big it takes entire bank accounts to fix. And others are very personal.

I want to say that what I do is right. I like to be known as the good role model and everything, but it's mistakes like these that make me rethink who I am. Or at least when I can speak for myself.

So am I proud of what I did? No. Did I have fun? Kinda. And the worst part is, I've done it before. I'm definitely not proud. It is also very defeating to know how easy it is to fix mistakes like that. It's so easy, in fact, that you can plan ahead for more mistakes such as these. Just like White Out, you can buy the fix before the mistake. Not just in the prevention of possible mistakes, but you can plan to make the mistake and fix it. Strange.... and unnerving.

Time to change. No more of this nonesense. I will not let this happen again. It's time to grow up.

Irrational Fears

I've always thought of myself as one of those people that judges risk wisely and never does anything that will cause any sort of unsuspected fears or danger. I respect the fact that my school is really safe. I awknowledge the fact that I've traveled solo across the world to a place that most would deem 'scary' or 'unsafe'. I pretty much love some risk, but never do anything genuinely stupid.

Yesterday, there was something that instilled a little fear in me. The four words I kind of never wanted to hear: subject with a gun. See, if I lived in a bigger place, this wouldn't be so rare. Thankfully, I live in a fairly mild city where it is a big deal to have a gun. And with all the media about school shootings, we've been preparing. But I never thought I'd experience the horror of one. I must say, there was no one injured in this incident. Again. There was NO ONE injured. That alone helps me to believe that what I do, what WE do, is nothing short of amazing.

So where does the fear come in? Now, after realizing that things like this happen everywhere, I've been thinking about what I would do. What would I do if I got shot? Would I be left there and have to find help myself? How long would it take for people to find me? Or notice I was missing? In my randomness, would everyone just think that I'd gone off on some spontaneous trip? And the list goes on... and on... and on.

Then the other part hit me. There was a man with a gun on campus. For real. Not halfway across the country. Not with some delusional school kid weilding mass weaponry. No. This was real. And it is frightening. We prepare for the 'could have', 'might have', 'would have' situations, but it's incredibly different when it's in your backyard (or campus, in this case).

A quick moment of respect for those that put their lives on the line every day. For the ones that collaborate to get the best possible outcome. For the extraordinary ones that do the things the ordinary won't. Thank you to the ones that keep me and the rest of the nation safe.

The Beginning

After a little thought, I decided to switch blogging sites. I kinda like the setup of this one better.

I think the interest I have in blogging is that I have lots of thoughts that I want to write down and incorporate later in life. That and I like to write about things so that people can get an inkling as to what I'm thinking and a perspective from the way that I see things.

Today?

In one word. Rough. Lately I've just felt like I'm missing something. Like I'm running a marathon that has no end and no purpose. For the last week, it has been non-stop sleep, study, school, work, sleep, study, school, work. Not much for down time, but for as much as I like to keep busy, it has just seemed like too much. I want to know that I'm capable of handling it, but sometimes, especially this last week has been really hard to. Being up for over 20 hours, then sleeping for 3 and goin for another 20+ hour day is hard. I've heard that working nights will take a toll and make people look so unhealthy looking. I'm starting to wonder if that's where I'm at and starting to look ragged. I hope not.

It's been a rough couple days at work and I'm glad that a break is in sight. I also know that not many people (by their own admittance) wouldn't be able to function well at my job. I work as a police dispatcher. I'm frequently asked what that entails, but it's really hard to summarize. I do a little bit of everything. I read a book once on 911 operators. There was a quote in there that really stuck with me. It said something along the lines of, "I may have heard your name, but you never heard mine. I may recognize the address of the house you walk into, but you don't know my face. I may have heard you pleading for help, but you don't hear my voice. I don't necessarily want to know people's secrets, I just do." This kind of hit me in an inspirational way. I'm okay with never meeting the people on the other end of the phone, but do like to know that I helped them when they needed it.

Moving to my next adventure. In my ever growing quest to do what I can to help people, I joined the Peace Corps. I don't know yet where exactly I'll be going, but I've been told it's Sub-Saharan Africa in November. I'm so excited! I'm really hoping to find out soon so I can giggle at the fact that I'm moving out of the country to bound head and heart into a new thrilling journey.

Until then, I'm going to live as best I can. To the most extreme happiness. To the most loving warmth. To the most. I want to live to the point of tears. (It's okay, I'm not afraid of crying.)