This is going to be one of those very long and tedious venting blogs. A lot has happened since the last blog. Mainly because I was out of town and I had lots of time away from my normal environment to take an inner look at myself and what's around me.
First off I want to say that I went, and was in, one of the most spectacular weddings ever. It was for my best friend Robyn and her man, Ben. They've been together for many years and it has been a gift from God to watch them grow together over the years. They got married on Friday, the 27th, and it was just amazing. I felt so blessed to be such a part of their day. I even got to sign their marriage license (gotta make it official). The reception was also just as amazing and I have to admit that I loved it everytime someone came up and thanked me for being there for Robyn, for all the help and love, and everything that made it all wonderful. I can't quite take the credit for all of it because it was Robyn's day and her planning and everything, but still, it felt good.
The only sad moment that has lingered for me is the realization that I'm alone. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm at this point where I know it's a bad and almost stupid idea to want a real relationship. Why? Because I'm leaving. Not just leaving, but leaving soon. With the Peace Corps and even before it, I'm going to be leaving what I've called home for the past 4 years. This alone has started to sink in as a sad moment, but it all accumulates together. I really do want that happiness that I see others have. I want that silly happiness that is in the movies, however fake it is. But I'm stuck between knowing it's not gonna happen now, wanting it right now, and knowing it really wouldn't make sense, so I'm fighting it off. I don't want to. But I don't want to hurt anyone. Including myself. Wanting it would destroy this facade I think I've built up.
In the car on the way back home I was listening to a CD that I have (and will embarassingly admit that I avidly sing to). It is one of those songs that I'm not entirely sure on the meaning, but in a way it's morbidly uplifting. It talks about death and life and praying for good health, things like that, but this phrase stuck out today for some reason. It goes:
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again.
I think the part about "love until you don't" is kind of sad, but at the same time, the rest of it is eerily true. You have to look inside yourself and love the things you are and in loving them, you have to share that love with others. You share, even if it is hard, or hurtful, because in the end, you just start all over again by looking at yourself and how you've grown from experiences. It is just a circle that never ends in a beautiful way.
The first part of it though is harder for me to interpret because for as much as the second part is so uplifting, the first part is almost a defeatist point of view. You're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't? I guess I've also always thought that you're as young as you let yourself be. You also love for eternity and you never stop trying. To just try until you can't seems to be a way of giving up on things that you really want. If you didn't want them in the first place, you wouldn't have tried for them at all. Right?
And laugh until you cry and cry until you laugh. This one is so right. Live to the point of tears. But maybe it should be changed to live to the point of tears and laughter. You know those moments where you laugh for so long or so hard that your stomach hurts, you can't control the tears, and you've lost every ounce of oxygen as you've started gasping for air? I love those. Those are what I live for; you laugh until you cry. And you cry until you laugh. At some point, the tears of sadness do stop. I think it's is first when you realize that you're crying for something that should be happy. Or maybe something that you know is completely irrational. When the laughter finally comes, it is the relief of knowing that there is an end to the tears. That life will continue.
I've been contemplating the way things are in my life lately and I really do like what I see. I feel that there is so much out there for me to touch and see and cry over. There are so many magnificent people and places in our world, I can hardly think of all of them without feeling the stinging of tears approaching because the are so great. I saw a video of a guy and it had him videotaping himself all over the world. Not only am I jealous, but all this thinking has made me think about making a list of all the places I must go.
London, England
Stonehenge, United Kingdom
Scottish Highlands, Scotland
Isle of Man
Wales
Dublin, Ireland
Giant's Causeway, Northern Ireland
Seljalandsfoss, Iceland
Oslo, Norway
Tromso, Norway
Stockholm, Sweden
Copenhagen, Denmark
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Lisse, Netherlands
Brussels, Belgium
Paris, France
Normandy, France
French Riviera, France
Madrid, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Swiss Alps, Switzerland
Geneva, Switzerland
Vienna, Austria
Saltzburg, Austria
Florence, Italy
Rome, Italy
Venice, Italy
Munich, Germany
Cologne, Germany
Hamburg, Germany
Prague, Czech Republic
Warsaw, Poland
Dubrovnik, Croatia
Istanbul, Turkey
Athens, Greece
Santorini, Greece
ISRAEL AGAIN!
Wadi Rum, Jordan
Petra, Jordan
Sinai, Egypt
Cairo, Egypt
Alexandria, Egypt
Tripoli, Libya
Tunis, Tunisia
Fez, Morocco
Batik, Morocco
Casablanca, Morocco
Marakesh, Morocco
Windhoek, Namibia
Cape of Good Hope, South Africa
Chalechino, Zambia
Timbuktu, Mali
Lemur Island, Madagascar
Antseranana, Madagascar
The Falls, Malawi
Mt. Kilimanjaro
Serengeti, Tanzania
Muscat, Oman
Dubai, UAE
And that's the short list. There will be more added. Definitely. I just need to get some sleep. I guess I really do have a lot on my mind. I keep thinking about things that I don't need to think about and it is getting me all sorts of confused. Sad day.
Just remember to breathe; until you don't.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Rest In Peace My Friend
Ok, I know I said it last time, but it has officially been too long since the last time I wrote. I keep thinking of things to say; things that I want to log and remember. And then I'm either too tired or too busy to put them down. Thus continues the chaotic life. So here's my quick list of the last few events:
1. A co-worker died in the field. This is incredibly sad to me because she is such a wonderful person. I think that I could start on about her, but I'll just leave it that she has such a beautiful soul. Although I don't think I'll ever really know what happened, I hope that there was no pain. Rest in peace my friend.
2. I went to the College World Series. I'm not sure that it was the absolute best event of my life, but it was definitely enjoyable. We battled the wind and rain to watch a pretty good game between UNC and Fresno State. If you know what game I'm talkin about, then you know how it went.
3. I got all my dental work approved for the Peace Corps. Now I just have to graduate and get my medical in. Putsy stuff. I hope it goes fast.
4. I'm actually doing well in school. I don't know that I ever thought this day would come, but I think it has to do with the fact that I focus more in the summer. It must be the weather. I love being outside.
5. School's almost done. Officially. Yay. One class down, three more to finish. I'm on a roll!
6. I have the sweetest tan I think I've ever had. Well... Borderline on the ones I used to get when I was 6 because we lived in the Southern States. A side bonus to the fact that I work outside ALL day EVERY day. I think it's funny when people are like, "Yeah, I spent some time outside today, it was so nice out," when all they really did was sit out in the sun until it got too hot. I, on the other hand, step outside at 6:45am and don't go inside until I make it back to my apartment to shower at 3:45pm. Spending all that time outside keeps me busy, and really really tired. Another reason why the blogs have slowed.
7. I actually have a "seven" on this list. It is kinda taboo and more than a little scary. Has a lot to do with a lot of the recent blogs that I've posted, but I don't even know how to talk about it. I've discovered that some people just aren't very good at listening to me, but oh well. I'm workin on that one. I'm also halfway between wanting to show that I do genuinely care for someone and scared shitless because I really do suck at commitment. Why is this so hard?
Oof. I think that is it for now. I have to work on a few projects. The work is never over.
1. A co-worker died in the field. This is incredibly sad to me because she is such a wonderful person. I think that I could start on about her, but I'll just leave it that she has such a beautiful soul. Although I don't think I'll ever really know what happened, I hope that there was no pain. Rest in peace my friend.
2. I went to the College World Series. I'm not sure that it was the absolute best event of my life, but it was definitely enjoyable. We battled the wind and rain to watch a pretty good game between UNC and Fresno State. If you know what game I'm talkin about, then you know how it went.
3. I got all my dental work approved for the Peace Corps. Now I just have to graduate and get my medical in. Putsy stuff. I hope it goes fast.
4. I'm actually doing well in school. I don't know that I ever thought this day would come, but I think it has to do with the fact that I focus more in the summer. It must be the weather. I love being outside.
5. School's almost done. Officially. Yay. One class down, three more to finish. I'm on a roll!
6. I have the sweetest tan I think I've ever had. Well... Borderline on the ones I used to get when I was 6 because we lived in the Southern States. A side bonus to the fact that I work outside ALL day EVERY day. I think it's funny when people are like, "Yeah, I spent some time outside today, it was so nice out," when all they really did was sit out in the sun until it got too hot. I, on the other hand, step outside at 6:45am and don't go inside until I make it back to my apartment to shower at 3:45pm. Spending all that time outside keeps me busy, and really really tired. Another reason why the blogs have slowed.
7. I actually have a "seven" on this list. It is kinda taboo and more than a little scary. Has a lot to do with a lot of the recent blogs that I've posted, but I don't even know how to talk about it. I've discovered that some people just aren't very good at listening to me, but oh well. I'm workin on that one. I'm also halfway between wanting to show that I do genuinely care for someone and scared shitless because I really do suck at commitment. Why is this so hard?
Oof. I think that is it for now. I have to work on a few projects. The work is never over.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
If You Backpedal Any Faster You'll Moonwalk Right Through That Wall
So, it seems like it has been forever since I've written. I think that's do to the ridiculous schedule I've been trying to maintain. I'm not sure how much longer I can pull it off, but thankfully, it will all change next week.
Now. To the matter at hand. I was walking around my field today (in the mud) and I had more than a few thoughts that I wanted to get out. Here's my list:
1. Scooping the slop in the field looked like I was scooping a really runny brownie mix. I'm not sure where that thought came from, but I think it had to do with the fact that I unearthed an underground river and everything was like a thick soup.
2. I've made a list of all the characteristics I want. I won't elaborate, but it came after I've realized that I've made a slightly awkward connection to one of the students in my class. We don't really talk, but everywhere I turn, he's there. Waving at me. I have yet to figure that one out, but I have to admit, I like his story. He's cool in my book.
3. The order of my life is as follows: Summer for work and school (2 more months), Wisconsin for after work and school (3 months), Africa for the Peace Corps (27 months), Norway, Sweden and England for grad school (24 months), and from there, maybe Germany or Switzerland. The grad school thing is optional. I have two very good ideas for that. Either Creighton in Omaha for Conflict Resolution and maybe a law degree in Child Advocacy or Norway for Human Rights. Both would be really up my alley. I guess the third option for that is law school at the U of M. We'll see.
4. I thought there was a four. But I can't think of it right now. I'll make a mental note to remember and will come back for more.
Now. To the matter at hand. I was walking around my field today (in the mud) and I had more than a few thoughts that I wanted to get out. Here's my list:
1. Scooping the slop in the field looked like I was scooping a really runny brownie mix. I'm not sure where that thought came from, but I think it had to do with the fact that I unearthed an underground river and everything was like a thick soup.
2. I've made a list of all the characteristics I want. I won't elaborate, but it came after I've realized that I've made a slightly awkward connection to one of the students in my class. We don't really talk, but everywhere I turn, he's there. Waving at me. I have yet to figure that one out, but I have to admit, I like his story. He's cool in my book.
3. The order of my life is as follows: Summer for work and school (2 more months), Wisconsin for after work and school (3 months), Africa for the Peace Corps (27 months), Norway, Sweden and England for grad school (24 months), and from there, maybe Germany or Switzerland. The grad school thing is optional. I have two very good ideas for that. Either Creighton in Omaha for Conflict Resolution and maybe a law degree in Child Advocacy or Norway for Human Rights. Both would be really up my alley. I guess the third option for that is law school at the U of M. We'll see.
4. I thought there was a four. But I can't think of it right now. I'll make a mental note to remember and will come back for more.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Just Look
"We all live in hiding. In one way or another, we all conceal pieces of ourselves from the rest of the world. Some people hide because their lives depend on it. Others because they don't like being seen. And then there are the special cases; the ones that hide because they just want someone to care enough to look for them."
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Seeing Blue
I dyed my hair blue today. :D And I love it! It's not entirely blue, but a really dark brown, almost black with blue undertones that really light up in the sunlight. See? I love it!
Moving on. Ok, so you know those times that you think that nothing will go right and then all of a sudden the storm passes and you have more than you can possibly handle? So much that the abundance of opportunities is just beyond control. One of my teachers said in class the other day that confidence is sexy and that if you exude confidence, you'll get anything you want. I've heard that before and especially pertaining to jobs and dating. I've also never doubted it, but never saw it work in my life. Apparently I didn't have that confidence yet. Now I do and have too much on my hands.
It also kind of sucks that I'm not great with intimacy. Following a string of horribly ending relationships, it is no surprise I suppose, but still, hurtful to everyone involved. It's not that I don't want a relationship, I think its more that I'm scared of hurting people; especially myself. I guess I see it that I will be leaving in 5 months and dating relationships are about being attached to each other intimately, which I'm not sure that I can accomplish right now. So much has happened lately that I'm almost scared for myself. Or of myself?
I do wish that I had answers. The adventure of experience I guess; never having answers given, but needing to be found. Such is life.
Moving on. Ok, so you know those times that you think that nothing will go right and then all of a sudden the storm passes and you have more than you can possibly handle? So much that the abundance of opportunities is just beyond control. One of my teachers said in class the other day that confidence is sexy and that if you exude confidence, you'll get anything you want. I've heard that before and especially pertaining to jobs and dating. I've also never doubted it, but never saw it work in my life. Apparently I didn't have that confidence yet. Now I do and have too much on my hands.
It also kind of sucks that I'm not great with intimacy. Following a string of horribly ending relationships, it is no surprise I suppose, but still, hurtful to everyone involved. It's not that I don't want a relationship, I think its more that I'm scared of hurting people; especially myself. I guess I see it that I will be leaving in 5 months and dating relationships are about being attached to each other intimately, which I'm not sure that I can accomplish right now. So much has happened lately that I'm almost scared for myself. Or of myself?
I do wish that I had answers. The adventure of experience I guess; never having answers given, but needing to be found. Such is life.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The Great Ambiguous Dichotomy
I'm trying to decide if I feel overwhelmed or just whelmed. Can I be just whelmed?
I work from early morning hours to noon, go to class for an hour, then go back to work. I go home, shower and eat, go to class. Come home, do homework, sleep and repeat. You'd think that this would be overbearing and stressful. So far it's not. Yet, I can't help feeling this emotion I can't quite describe. It's there, but not at the same time. My philandering philosophy professor said once that today's society is so fucked up that everyone assumes that they are either depressed, depressed and overly medicated on experimental drugs that make them pretend they are happy, or they assume that they must always be happy or there is something wrong with them and they pick one of the other options to wallow in self pity. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but how is it that now when I'm not "happy" and bouncing off the walls with joy that I think there is something else wrong with me? Somehow I managed to fit into the mold instead of going against the grain.
Sidenote of the evening: I miss talking to Jordan. I know he's out there somewhere. Last I knew, months ago, he was in Iraq. Now my emails get sent back to me "undeliverable" and there hasn't been one single word from him. I wonder where he went. I hope he's okay.
Dichotomy. I think that is a great way to describe my emotions. I want something and I don't. I'm happy and I'm not. I'm tired and I'm.... I'm.... Yeah. A little bit of everything.
I work from early morning hours to noon, go to class for an hour, then go back to work. I go home, shower and eat, go to class. Come home, do homework, sleep and repeat. You'd think that this would be overbearing and stressful. So far it's not. Yet, I can't help feeling this emotion I can't quite describe. It's there, but not at the same time. My philandering philosophy professor said once that today's society is so fucked up that everyone assumes that they are either depressed, depressed and overly medicated on experimental drugs that make them pretend they are happy, or they assume that they must always be happy or there is something wrong with them and they pick one of the other options to wallow in self pity. I'm not sure I entirely agree, but how is it that now when I'm not "happy" and bouncing off the walls with joy that I think there is something else wrong with me? Somehow I managed to fit into the mold instead of going against the grain.
Sidenote of the evening: I miss talking to Jordan. I know he's out there somewhere. Last I knew, months ago, he was in Iraq. Now my emails get sent back to me "undeliverable" and there hasn't been one single word from him. I wonder where he went. I hope he's okay.
Dichotomy. I think that is a great way to describe my emotions. I want something and I don't. I'm happy and I'm not. I'm tired and I'm.... I'm.... Yeah. A little bit of everything.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Locks of Love
I thought it was about time to put up a picture or two. About a month and a half ago, I cut off about 11 inches of hair and donated it to Locks of Love. I think LoL sounds like an amazing program; providing hair treatments and wigs to children who have lost theirs due to disease. I told someone that that's why I cut my hair and they got all grossed out about it. Saying that wearing someone else's hair is gross and disgusting. I have to admit I was kind of hurt by that; I did it in good faith and with an open heart. I hope that whoever receives my hair does absolutely everything that they want to with their life. Difficult things happen to everyone, but it is the strength that you have in your soul and heart that will define how you see yourself. A little boost of encouragment never hurts either... ;)
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