Song of Life

I want to walk through this doorway
I want to open my mind.
I want to pledge my allegiance
To all I can find.
I want a car that will crash through the barrier
To a road no one knows.
I want to feel less controlled; more abandoned
I want to land far from home.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
Is the perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn
To journey and return,
To never rest til I've seen all I can see.

I want to learn a completely new language
One I don't understand.
I want to help some lost, someone helpless
With the strength of my hand.
I want to come to the base of a statue built
Before they counted years.
There I'll fall with my face in my hands
And cry; feel their hope in my tears.

The revolution of the earth around the sun
Is a perfect lesson of how it should be.
So if I cannot learn
To journey and return,
To never rest til I've seen all I can see.

Train rides and pastures colliding,
Colors and customs I've never seen.
I know I,
Yes I know I,
I know I
Will stumble, but
Time is precious my friends.

No other journey can
Easily understand
The more that I see,
The more that I love.

So, this I swear to you,
And this I swear to me.
I'll never rest til I've seen all I can see.

No, I'll never rest until I've seen all I can see.

I want to know where the strength of a person lies
In this their past or their future.

No, I'll never rest until I've seen all I can see.

Impending Doom Motivates Procrastination

I really don't know why or what I'm feeling. I have a mix of things starting with the inner conflict of knowing I should go to bed and the urge to stay up and read my homework and be a good student.

I'm also fighting the inner battle of being happy and sad. I want to be happy, but I'm not extremely happy about anything at this second. Just calm. So I'm neither happy or sad.

The thought-provoking concept for the night is as follows:

If you study psychology and short term memory (STM), you'll learn that the majority of people can only remember an average of 7 thoughts in their STM. Seven digits of a phone number ring any bells? Apparently anything shorter than that isn't memorable and anything more than that is too much to process. Thus, when writing professionally, you are supposed to write sentences with 11 words. Why 11? Because it's just the right length to make a sentence with meaningful words and contain just a few fillers. I think I write more than that. Or less. Haha. I guess I don't think in long, drawn out sentences. Maybe my attention span can't handle anything other than a short term thought....

Inspirational Philosophy

If winning makes people greedy, competative, and territorial, why do we love winning so much? Is it because the idea of being the best controls our minds and overbears over all other feelings and sets the bar so high that we fight for the best feeling of euphoria that a human can possibly enjoy. Or at least think we enjoy. Then, with continued wins, we realize that we are better than everyone else and the superiority complex overrides all possibilities of anyone else being great and makes us impervious to fault and doubt.


So, can losing set us free?

Are You Happy?

It has come to my attention that for as much as I want to thrive and show people that I'm intelligent and really a bright person, I'm failing on the inside. I feel like I'm failing. I guess my understanding of things is slightly different than what others think. I feel like I can grasp the world by going at my own pace. I learn by experience. As practical as repetative learning and testing may be, I'd rather just experience the world through my own eyes. There is a difference between book smarts and street smarts. I've been able to navigate a foreign country with only a hand written note in a language I don't read. I can solve problems with little guidance. I can step up and lead when I see that it only takes one to stand up and out from the crowd to get the group moving.



So am I worried about how I'm doing? Yes.



Should I worry about how I'm doing? Maybe.



Can I learn without the traditional ways? Yes.



Am I scared? Yes.



Am I happy? I don't know.



It scares me that I don't know if I'm happy. I want to be happy. I'm envious of those that exude happiness all the time. It's like sunshine comes out their butt. They can't do anything but poop fuzzy rainbows. Not that I want magenta and fuschia to come flyin out in all different directions, but I'd like to do more than pretend I know what's going on with my life. I really don't want to fake my life and pretend that it exists in all its glory. I really want it to be amazing. I want to live so fully, that I can cry about how great it was.

From The Gentleman At The Bar...

According to U.S. News, my car color says that I'm a person with a sunny disposition, I'm moderately below average in my confidence level, and I have fairly pronounced mood swings.

This may be right, especially with the way things have been going in my life lately. Moody beyond control, lacking confidence in most everything I do and freakishly cheery despite everything else. Yep. Sounds like me.

Today has been spent doing nothing. I actually only got one big thing accomplished and it is something I've wanted to do for awhile now. I spoke to a jeweler about getting a custom piece of jewelry done. I'm excited now because all the ideas are finally on paper and are going to become a reality.

The only other thing that I've managed to do today is one load of laundry, lots of web surfing, and a few naps inbetween episodes of House. I'm not sure why, but I like that show. I can appreciate the mad sarcasm that it has to offer.

I also learned today how fois gras is made which is incredibly wrong and disgusting and that lobsters can feel pain so cooking them live is why PETA is against lobster-eaters.

So that's it. Random.

Stupid Rollercoasters

*mutters under breath* Stupid rollercoasters. Why can't I just pick an emotion and stick with it? I was so happy about how things worked out with him. Very pleased. And then it drastically went downhill when I realized that for as much as I don't want anything permanent or remotely close to it, I do want him to be close. I feel that now, he's the one that knows me best and when I need some comfort for the things we share, I want him to be there. And I realized he's not. So what now?

What now?

I've got no answers. None. Zip-o.

Stupid rollercoasters.





On a side note, I love my job. Sucks for the sunburn though. According to the nurse on the phone, this bizarre looking burn isn't actually a reaction to the plants or any chemicals we might possibly use. It's just a bad burn and reaction to the meds from this last weekend. The only plus side is that it could possibly turn into a semi-decent tan. Yay for that!

The Sigh Of Relief

You know that feeling when things all of a sudden go a thousand times better than you thought they would? When for no reason at all, all your fears and worries are erased? When someone hugs you and takes all that anxiety from you?

I was scared to share my news. I didn't want to tell him. And then it started to pour out of me like a free flowing river. I was scared because I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't want him to leave and never come back. I didn't want him to be angry. I wanted him to accept me for me. It's not like he was required to. He has no obligation to me. I don't want him to. We've always said that. I just didn't want to lose a friend.

And I didn't. I made a better one. I've always heard people say, "the truth will set you free." I'm not sure I entirely believed it until now. I shared everything, Absolutely everything. And you know what he did? Hugged me, told me I was beautiful, cooked me dinner, and cuddled with me on the couch. How wonderful a friend is that? He wasn't mad. He was wonderfully understanding. He wasn't angry. He listened wholly and smiled that it would all be okay. He didn't leave. He hugged me and said I was beautiful. What a wonderful friend.

Not gonna lie. We not only hugged, but we kissed. Passionately. Furiously. Painstakingly. Savagely. And now I have sexy marks on my arms, shoulders, and neck of where he burned his kisses into me. We also had a little bit of some wild (and safe) fun on the side. I feel so comfortable around him. His openness has made me more accepting of the things I have in my life, especially me. He makes me feel like any person should; happy, relaxed, and comfortable in their own skin.

Thank you.

A Weekend To Remember?

So, I thought that this last weekend was going to be terrible. I was going to do something I thought I'd never do and I wasn't scared for it itself, but more for the physical pain that might come with it. In fact, I think I was most scared because of what everyone else had said would be painful, both mentally and physically. Rumors are terrible. They are wrong. And in my case? I'm glad they were wrong. I can't say I felt much, and if that means I'm cold-hearted, I'm sorry. I felt what I did was right for all the right reasons.

The weekend went off without a hitch, or so I'm pretty sure and I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

I know that eventually I'll forget about this. It will eventually be something that I won't be thinking about. I'm kind of sad knowing I'll forget the magnitude of this, but I hope that the small inkling of memory will remind me to do the right things for my future and for everyone elses'.

It's Not Who I Thought It Was

I'm again amazed at what money will buy.

The magic eraser to the magic eraser that didn't work?

Peace of mind?

Yeah, money can do amazing things.

I'm also in awe of amazing friends. She knows not that this is about her, but she helps more than she'll ever know. I owe so much to her.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

So, I'm sitting awake at 4am. Trying to think of something to write about for my last paper of the semester, contemplating life, and listening to horrible music on VH1. Yeah, I tried to sleep, and without meaning to, woke up early to work on this paper. All of my dreams included this paper. The fear of not getting it done. Eew.

The other upsetting thing is that I got a email returned 'undeliverable' from my friend in Iraq. That worries me. I know that he always said that he was safe and never in harm's way, but now I have no other way to talk to him. And I miss him. I miss the things he had to say. I just miss talking to him. I hope he contacts me soon.

I think that's it for now. I really need to work on this paper. *grumble * *grumble*