Look! It's Walter Cronkite!

There are few things in life that scare me. Very few, but there are also times that make you realize how exceedingly precious and serious your own mortality is.

I think this thought started Saturday night in a discussion with some of my greatest friends. They are the philosophers of everything conceivable. The discussion drifted from what type of glass is best for drinks, beer in particular, (who really wants warm beer at the end of the glass anyway?), to why wouldn't you want to live forever.

The idea is that by the time our generation is considered "old", there will most likely have been so much in the advancement of technology to not only alter our appearance so that we don't look 150 years old, but there will be ways to assist to make it to such impeccable ages or even reverse the aging process. So the question is, if you could live to be over 100 years old, would you? How valuable is it to stay alive forever?

I have to admit that I wouldn't want to live forever. Not necessarily for superficial reasons, but a combination of being content with my own life and allowing other generations to feel the same excitement of growing and learning as I have. The barrier in my idea though is that I imagine looking and feeling old. Will brittle bones want to travel the world? Teach a new language? No, or at least I don't think so. But if there was a way to alter or stop the aging process, I still can't say that I'd want to live forever. I'm content with what I've got, even if I haven't experienced everything that I possibly could have. I'm happy. So what does age have to do with it?

It happened to be one of the COOLEST car shows ever. I'm going to give a quick shout out to the Wheels of Italy car show. www.wheelsofitaly.com It is an ever-growing gathering of Italian only vehicles. I think the great part about it is not only seeing amazing cars that you'd almost never see, but you also get to see all the "rejects" outside of the gates. These so called rejects are all the other World's Greatest cars that are from all over. Still impressive, but not Italian. It's enough to give someone attention deficit disorder. You start looking at one car, admiring and drooling all over it and then BAM! Out of the corner of your eye, you see something else amazing and have to walk over to it and so the vicious cycle begins. But it really is an enjoyable day. I also must throw out a shout to Maserati. :D (Big grin) Me = Jealous.

Ok, back to being mortal. Part of this car show is riding the 60 miles to it in my Dad's FIAT. This is one of those 1974 classics that is in great shape, but definitely seen better days. It's an awesome car though. I love it's character. It can just be scary sometimes. Being that it is an old classic, it rides a little low, making you travel at 70 mph down I-94 at the same level of an 18-wheeler's tires. With the top down at that level, you'd think that it would take a mere catepillar to throw that semi off and squish you. The other thing that caught my attention is that aside from all the gauges on the dash, there are three lights labeled "Brake Failure", "Hazard", and "Fasten Seat Belts". Only the seatbelt light was on, but the thought did cross my mind if they light up in a specific order. It would be ironic if they did. Yay for mortality.

I have to give my Dad kudos on this too. He has done so much to fix up that car. It was in a little rough condition when he got it years ago, but it hasn't caught on fire since that one time about 6 years ago. All in all, the only thing I think we even had to check was the tire pressure and the oil temperature. Not bad for a car that is going to turn 40 soon.

Ok, time for bed. Check out the website though. Pretty impressive.

Say What?

These last few days have been really hard. I can't quite pin point why, but all I feel is this wicked anxiety. It isn't quite like I'm missing something, but it is more that I've been trying to hold onto this happy facade for everyone else when all I really want is for someone to just tell me it's all going to be okay and listen to me vent. Basically, I feel as if I can't quite find my center. Can it be that my zen is off balance?

I tried venting yesterday in a blog. The only downside is that I was in the middle of my fuming and felt that what I was writing was not really what I wanted to say and would have been extremely hurtful to those who read it. Which wasn't what I wanted anyway.

So today, I started out the same way. Frustrated, anxious, lonely and the only person I really wanted to talk to and that I thought would understand me had just gone to bed after getting off working the nightshift. I fussed a bit. Trying to find my path on my own and failing.

Since I hadn't yet gotten ahold of my advisor from school, I finally went and stormed his office. Not sure I found the exact answers I was looking for, but not a terrible start. Then I wanted to find more pieces to add to my growing tea fetish. I'm not sure if you've heard, but tea is amazing. More on this later.

I ended up at the Target store trying to decide if I really was just wasting time, or trying to actually focus my anxiety. One thing I will admit to liking is the sales and clearance racks in the clothing department here. There is always at least one thing that I really like and that is on sale enough to justify buying it. From there, I started perusing the scrapbooking aisle. There is so much there to look at. Granted, when I look at scrapbooking supplies, I really analyze it and what I could make of it... which makes this process take longer. But I finally realized, that I had to leave the store at some point and make my way back to the apartment.

I also need to mention that lately I've been hearing lots of rumors from FPCV's (Future Peace Corps Volunteers) about their departure dates being moved. See, my understanding with the Peace Corps is that it is all about patience and flexibility. So far, I've let all the rumors fly past on the assumption that when I need to know, they'll tell me.

And then I gave in. I had to. I broke my patience and called. The answer? Yes, my group has been postponed until January. The only reason for this that they would tell me is that they are re-organizing the program I'll be a part of and they want to finalize everything in it before they send us out. Makes sense and now I have my answers.

The question then was, did this make me feel better at all?

You'd think so. I know that I'll be able to spend more time with my friends and family. I'll get to spend one last holiday season with everyone before I go. I'll have a chance to make some money to help with bills, and yeah, I'm glad to know it's not just a rumor anymore.

So I called to tell some people and definitely didn't get the reaction I was thinking I would. It's hard to be excited when no one else seems to be. For the record, I didn't join the Peace Corps because of its danger or because I was trying to "one up" someone else in their life accomplishments. I joined because I truly believe I have the skills that when shared with others, will benefit them and their communities. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world.

What I really want to know is why doesn't she just tell me that she hates my life choices. Why not just say it to my face? Don't pretend. It isn't worth it. Don't cover up animosity with destructive criticism. Don't mask pure disgust with questions and guilt. I'll admit it hurts, but I don't need negative support. I have plenty of people who stand behind me and believe I've made good choices. I have plenty of people who are proud of me.

So instead of being excited at the news, I'm angry because of the negativity of the whole conversation. At this point, I thought that no matter what, my day was gonna keep being terrible. But it didn't. Although I didn't want to be alone, I spent the afternoon sulking.

The perk of the day came when the opportunity to go out to a movie came. I'd been wanting to see 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2' for awhile and finally went tonight. I'm not sure what about it made my mood switch, but it did. And for now, all is well.

Ok, so this isn't my typical blog. I don't normally go through a detailed schedule of my day, but it just seemed to fit today. Maybe next time I'll swoon over tea.

Mmm, tea.

Dump Your Lawnmower!

Today I heard a sermon that really reminded me why I'm on this planet and why I've chosen to spend the next 2 and a half years volunteering.  Sometimes I do wonder if I get distracted during things like sermons and lectures and catch one inspiring note, but what I heard today can be uplifting even if it is only just a small part of it.

It was all about taking risks.  Taking risks like Jesus did and would want us to.  That Jesus would have been more likely to ride a motorcycle than a lawnmower because it was more challenging.  Lawnmowers are just too safe, slow, predictable.  Motorcycles are exciting, fast, and thrilling.

It makes me look at my life and the choices I've made.  I've always had big dreams.  Big hopes.  Big expectations.  I look for the best in people even though I know most others don't expect it.  I try to strive to make things come from the best light they can.  It isn't easy.  It isn't safe.  And it can be very disappointing.  There has to be a perfect balance between wanting the best for and from people, but understanding that failure is a part of growth.  Disappointment is something I try to avoid because I don't want to feel like I've failed.  Yet, I know it is something that we all have to face if we want to better ourselves.  

So in that risk taking, I question whether I'm taking enough.  *small giggle here*  I think those that know me already assume I'm taking enough risks.  Giving up everything and moving halfway around the world for years to live in a hut making no money and potentially facing slow, tedious progress seems like a pretty big risk.  I want so much to help everyone as much as I can.  I wish I had endless funds to travel around and help those that need it.

Members from the church I grew up in are looking to purchase land in Kenya to build a sister church and school.  I find that absolutely amazing.  I want so much to make changes like that.  Because of them, teens will be able to go to school.  And not just a regular school, but a school for progressive farming and land management.  I'm just stunned by the possibilities that will provide.  Truly heartfelt.

I keep thinking of all the things that I can do.  All the little things like donating my hair or fundraising for this cause or that.  When I come back from Africa, I want to assemble a team to do the Susan G. Komen for the Cure 3Day 60 Mile Walk for Breast Cancer.  If any one wants to join in, please let me know.  I would love company for that.

So am I being "risky"?  Are my risks big enough?  

I might also add that another one of my risks is falling completely, utterly, uncontrollably, happily, and wonderfully head over heels in love.  Perfect timing, right?  Just as I'm about to leave for the biggest risk of my life so far.  I just have to stack them in right?  I don't care.  What's that quote?  "'Tis better to have loved, than to have never loved at all."  Ok.  So that's a little personal paraphrasing, but I'm glad I took the risk.  I almost let this one go.  How stupid would that have been?  Being a chicken on my lawnmower wasn't going to get me anywhere.  

Well, that's it for now.  And as the sermon challenged, take a risk.  Dump your lawnmower!

Sorry...The Pressure Was Building... I Had To Focus

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA





And on a side note. I still hate doctors, I especially hate the random things that just make the human body go catatonic, and I hate feeling like I'm incompetent and worthless.

My Face Is Leaking

I really don't have much to say. Or at least not TOO much.

1. I graduated college!

2. I quit my job! (I guess saying expiration of employment is a better way to put that. I could only work there as long as I was a student.)

3. The Olympics are fun and I'm bummed that I missed the opening ceremony.

4. I want to go to an Olympics opening ceremony sometime.

Yep. I think that's it. I really don't feel like writing a whole lot. I'm really not feeling well enough to be wonderfully inpirational or creative. Next time.