Pickles Are Cucumbers Soaked In Evil

I had a lot to say for that last entry, but skipped most of it because it would have been too long. Now I don't care. It's going to be long.

I think it is often hard for people to focus on the good things in their life when they have lots of things weighing on their minds. It is easy to focus on current concerns. That's how I work too. It's really easy for me to focus on all the things that I feel are going wrong in my world. It's really easy for me to feel stressed and overwhelmed by the dozens of strings that I feel are pulling me around like a marionette. As if it isn't even my life I'm living, just a twisted, tangled version of some playwright's script. The vignettes today day find me in places that I'm not sure how to sort out.

Growing up, I wanted to believe that I'd find "the One" while I was in college. "The One" and I would date and be married in college, start our lives together with our graduations and work together. Isn't this some psychotic new generation image of the perfect 1950's woman? Instead of gushing over my new fangled washer and dryer, I was dreaming of a career. Instead of taking classes on etiquette and housekeeping, my classes consisted of the modern military and group interaction.

Since I obviously didn't get married WHILE I was in school, I guess I'd resigned myself to believe that I'd be one of those career driven women and throw myself into singledom by pretending I didn't care and made every effort to get away from it all.

And then my eyes opened. Or maybe it was just the electricity of the night that made me realize how wonderful he was. This guy that had been in my life for years. This guy that had respectfully and patiently listened to me through everything over the years. Now it just seemed right. We've often talked and teased each other about why we didn't start dating earlier. We've come to the conclusion that WE as a couple wouldn't have worked without the growing and learning we had to do as individuals. We just weren't ready.

So here we are. Together, in the dating sense. We are so far apart from each other, it makes me want to cry. He's two states away and although we text each other about 10 times a minute and call each other all the time, it's just not the same. I get to see him in 182 hours and 5 minutes and I can't wait! Go ahead and make fun of me for counting, but he's my best friend. I can't help it.

So here I get to the point of this. We're planning a wedding. Or trying. We have some of the most awkward family dynamics that I've ever heard of and it's stressful. I'm not saying that I'm assuming every wedding has been perfect and that everything fell together like a well designed puzzle, but this is just too much.

My Love told me a two weeks ago that he thought I was thinking too much about the wedding. What I want to know, is who doesn't think about their wedding? While I know that it is 27 weeks and 4 days away, I can't take care of everything now. Yet, if I want things at the wedding, I need to be able to have the opportunity to decide on them. We're trying to keep the cost fairly reasonable too, so of course I'm going to come up with lots of options and then sit down to figure out which costs more or what I'm willing to take away. *Scoff* Thinking too much about the wedding...

The other part about this, and this is the part that is irking me the most tonight, is how my decisions on wedding things seem to not be the "right" ones. I also had every intention of not ranting about specific people, but this one is hard to do.

My family lives under the belief that no matter what, your siblings are going to be a part of your wedding. I can't help it that my sister and I have NEVER gotten along. My entirely life consisted of moments when I was supposed to "play nice", be the "better person", or "go along" with things I didn't want because she reacts differently to things. I'd go to school at o-dark thirty in the morning and sleep in the hallways because she didn't like the people who had lockers next to hers. When report cards came, we had a "You Are Special Today" plate that we'd use at dinner, and she'd always pout through the times that I got it. She never came to any of my concerts, art shows, or sporting events. She didn't even come to my graduation. She also moved away a number of years ago and only calls when she needs something or when she knows it's her birthday or Christmas and people should be buying her things.

So here we are, at present times, with me planning a wedding. I can't help it that I wanted my best friends to be there with me. I would pick my bestest best friend for a bridesmaid if I could, but he's already in the wedding... As the groom. So, I picked my next three friends that I share everything with. So where does that leave my sister? Not as a bridesmaid. I know that sounds harsh, but maybe in my opinion, Ms. Manners can eat it. Etiquette be damned.

When I called my sister to tell her that we set a date and to "Mark the Calendar! I'm getting MARRIED!!", her response was, "Oh. Okay. We'll have to see. I might have to work that day." I'm not sure if you remember, but the wedding is MONTHS away. I'm sure a little planning and a boss would be understanding. But that is also her very convenient excuse to duck out of anything family related. At Christmas they visited, but didn't give a day they'd leave. Then, when free laundry was done, they were like, "Well, he might have to work tomorrow. Bye." Right. I'm pretty sure no one can live without their pizza delivery boy.

So, in an effort to make peace and fewer, smaller waves, I asked her to be a part of the wedding in a different way. I need help with some of the organizing and with hair, makeup, etc. I asked her to be an attendant. Apparently, that job means "the-bride-feels-guilty-and-made-up-a-job-so-that-I-can't-actually-cry-but-I-can-sulk-and-pout-about-not-being-in-the-wedding". News to me.

I tried talking to her again today. Two words: Epic Fail. The answer was, "I'll think about it, but I might not even come." Fuck you. If you don't want to be a part of the wedding, than just say it. If you don't want to be there, then just don't come and DON'T pout. Grow up and realize that this isn't your wedding.

That's my rant on that one. Is this blog long enough? I didn't get a chance to talk about jobs, houses, money, quilting, baking, Grandmas, and everything else on my mind. Oh, well.

Next time.